Sunday, 17 September 2006

Oh my heavenly Dad

please help me to be loving. As you know, I was thinking the other day about how I act towards people I speak to on the phone. Everyone in my office knows I'm a Christian, and while I'm sure they know I'm not particularly mean to anyone, I know they see me put the phone down and grumble outloud when I'm annoyed. I don't want my human limitations get in the way of them seeing you in me, (and the fact I'm asking, let that be a sincere request, and if its not, make me sincere, and if I'm not sincere in asking to be sincere, make it so.)

Ben starts tomorrow, and to be honest, I don't know what you are doing in that, but if its only to find him a job, thank you. Will you bless this office because we are there? Please do. I want Steve, Paula, Sonia, Maria, Paul, Andy, Janet, Elieen, Alison and the other two new members of staff as well as the temps to know you are blessing them through us (and how much you do actually love them). Help us to be loving and good reflections of you. You know what I'm like, I get distracted so easily, please help me this month as you know its crucial to keeping my job. However, if you really don't want me there, help me to be open to what you are doing in my life. To be honest, I'm kinda scared about what I'll do if I don't get it. It seems I've lived life on the seat of my pants for the last 4 years and I just want to slow down for a while. Thats what I want. I dunno if thats what you want me to be doing, but that is what I want.

Dad, I need words. I want to communicate to you how I feel. Dad, I need words, I want to hear what you are saying. I need you to be here now.

This mess with Mel, I have no idea whats going on. Thankyou that you told Laura to tell me to be patient. Its been really hard not to say the things I wanted to. I know you made her see me on christmas day, and I don't think it was just for my benfit. It all just seems so fragile at the moment, and I just don't understand how we got here, well I can parts of it, but where are you taking us? Lord, for your son Joshua - father him. I mean, really Father him. I miss him, I miss them both. That sunday morning, when we were playing together, it felt so right, and I thought you were there being the fourth person in the room, so how did we get here?

Be with me as I sleep, thankyou for the quiet you have given me these past weeks. I want to meet with you there, I'm asking and inviting you to come and speak to me there too. I want to wake up thinking of you, seeking you and growing into someone that is more like you.

If there is any part of me that hasn't come before you with a heart of sincerity, destroy it.
Help me to mean it for then anything when I say I love you...good night. x

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