Tuesday, 10 October 2006

Did God reveal his heart, I think so

Last night I slept at Ben and Laura's because we were having a new bath installed at my house.
I said how my relationship with God was pretty awful at the moment and Ben was like "go TALK to him then!" So I did, well, I read (their) bible, listened to some Psalms as presented wonderfully by Dennis Bayne on my mp3 player and just, I dunno, waited. I suppose these words from an article from relevant magazine were buzzing about in my head:

" I stopped spending time with people that supported me in pursuing a relationship with Christ. Gradually, I fazed Him out of my daily life. The descent of my relationship with God mirrored the decline of my dating life. "
I ended up writting this:

Let me explain myself, I love Mel, I know I do. It hurts me like crazy that she would at one point say she loves me but then her actions say completely different. How she makes no effort to spend time with me, she doesn't make contact with me, & when she does its almost like its the bare minium to keep things going. I feel so unimportant to her, I feel jealous that others get to hang out with her and it seems she couldn't really care less whether she sees me or not. When we are together however, we enjoy each other's company, but the lack of being together before hand hinders us getting to know one another more when we are together.

(And then after I wrote that, I felt God reveal his heart to me, and I wrote the following)

I think this is how God sees mine and his relationship, he wants nothing more than for me to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, but I fill my time with other people, distactions, I do talk to him but thats mostly on sundays. When I am with him I remember how great things used to be, but I never quite seem to be feeling what I once did.
Our lack of communication means l forget who he actually is, what he is actually like and I get the wrong end of the stick.

This has to stop otherwise our relationship will die & we will be heart broken.

It was a huge, I dunno, realisation that I could hurt the one I say I love so much, it was really weird that he would show me so clearly. And so before I even start to think about how I'm feeling, he should be (and I'm trying to make him) my priority. Being with him, not ingnoring him, making the effort, communicating, sharing, (and heres where it gets a bit strange), joking? Relaxing? playing with him? Does that work at all? I think I'm gonna go find out.
You see at the top it says "in pursuit of perfection"? Its not me trying to reach a state of being, its me pursuing him. I stopped doing that. What was I thinking?

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