Thursday, 29 November 2007

the funniest thing

I had a dream the other night, my dad was there and I was ignoring him.
Finally, he comes up to me and tries to give me something, (this is quite normal for him, if he doesn't know what to say he'll try and hand something over in the hope it will create something to talk about). I refused the item (I think it was a Groove Armada single, he actually said "demo" and I can remember thinking to myself "single, he says demo but he means single. Just like when mum talks about about her hard drive being her memory...) but he persists and I point out what he is trying to give me I never asked for. He is mistaking me for my brother. Again he tries to give it to me and I get angry. He is standing about 4ft away from me and I tell him to come closer, he doesn't, so I point at the floor in front of me and yell at him to move. (I think there is something in the fact I told him to move to me and I didn't go to him). I think I then grab him, pull him over and get right in his face, I yell at him as I fall apart that I never wanted 'things', all I ever wanted was him and he was a fool to never see that. At this point we both burst into tears, both in each others arms, both of us sobbing into the part where the shoulder meets the neck. This isn't just sobbing it's from the very pit of your stomach that you have no control over, the type that in that moment of absolute brokenness you feel somehow complete and the noises you make seem to somehow soothe your soul.
And then we're apart, he is a short distance away probably thinking what to do and I'm left with this slightly tired numb feeling asking myself "what next?"

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