Sunday, 11 May 2008

The non list list

I decided that there was a conversation I needed to have today.
I thought and rethought what I was going to say during the service today and when I got my moment, I almost bottled it but then forced myself to act.
I did it, said what I wanted to say (not quite so eloquently as in my practices) but I did it none the less.

Even got a text saying "I'm so impressed you said those things to my face- you have alot more guts than most..."

I didn't quite bank on the things I would find out in that conversation tho. It's kinda knocked me for six and put a complete downer on the day.

Didn't think it was going to be easy. I would have preferred being wrong, this weight on my chest hurts.

On a slightly related note, I asked if I could have another bash at leading worship. It's something I've pondered alot in recent months so it's good that I've actually decided to act on it.


I feel I need to add to this post.

As I said, some of the stuff I was told in the conversation put a bit of a downer on the day. I've gotta say, that's a half truth, I've been really annoyed all afternoon.

You see, the only reason I had to have this conversation was because I had to try and fix the situation that had been caused by someone else. (Funnily enough, when I first got a message saying something was up, I thought "I bet I know why they've spoken to, this seems like the sort of thing this person would do or say." I told Pete about this but then ended up rebuking myself for thinking like that. I thought "I'm just being cynical, I have nothing to base this on", unfortunately, turns out I was spot on right.) I'm pissed off that this person felt they had explain to this to my friend my thoughts on a certain subject, I'm angry that they would think they know me so well that it would be ok to say those sorts of things, even though I hadn't even discussed anything with this outside person so it seems they came to their conclusions on their own using their brilliance and wisdom. It's caused me alot of grief this week and made for an uncomfortable afternoon on saturday which should have been a great time to spend with friends.

Now I'm not really sure what to do. On one hand, I feel I should confront this person and tell them to mind their own business. On the other hand, I feel I should take a step back, try and chill myself out and just move on.

Either way, the fall out is the friendship I'd had last week is now tainted by stupid assumptions and I'm bitter because of that. Maybe I should give it time, maybe I should face up to the fact it's gonna take me a few days to cool off (but that's hard when a friend is now suspicious of your motives)...I dunno.

Another person was added to the non list list today. I didn't quite plan on it, but I got a call from a friend asking if they could come round and an old friend that I'd been hurt alot by was with him. I said they were welcome and spent the time before they arrived and trying to chill out and ask God for words. When they arrived I greeted him warmly and it felt sincerely. I'm going to have to have a chat with him sometime to sort out the old issues, but I feel it's time to do something. I can do this. As with the other people on the list, it's probably going to hurt, but I can do it. In saying that, I've decided I shouldn't rush through this list. It's a painful thing to do and it's not a race, I feel for the sake of my heart and personal well-being I'll take it slow, in my own pace (or God's, which ever comes first.)

(I feel in the process of not name dropping, sometimes I write things that don't make any sense.)

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