Saturday, 21 February 2009

two things

(I need to point out, when I posted this the other day I realised I needed to change bits because they didn't clearly explain what went on. I haven't changed bits in response to comments. Bits that are in italics are bits that were added .Bits with Strikethough are parts I would choose to remove but haven't to show changes.)

the thursday after I met my dad I was at a funeral and he was there also.
I wanted to take a photo to fully capture the surrealness that was going on but it's didn't seem appropriate.

Standing in a square going anti-clockwise was me, my mum, my oldest brother and dad.

Mum and dad were talking and laughing at points and I head a head of confusion. In my head I imagined taking him into a back room to talk to him away from the crowds but it didn't seem to go that way. After about, I dunno 25 minutes or so someone came up to my mum and started talking about something, like me he seemed removed from the conversation so I took a step back. Moments later he followed and started talking about something I don't recall then I interrupted, I'll be honest, I can't really remember how he responded to most of the things he said...

"Why can't you be like this all the time?
You know, we have all told Mum not to talk to you, to not go anywhere near you. You know why? Because it goes like this, it's a set process now: You're polite, she's polite, you make conversation, she makes conversation, you're a completely dick to to her and she ends up really upset. Why do you do that? Why can't you just be nice? Why can't you be polite? Now I know she can be hard to talk to sometimes, it's quite easy to deal with, you just change the subject and walk away, it that really so hard?

That's one of the reason I don't contact you, look me in the eye damit, it's because of that and the fact I don't like you, I don't trust you and I don't think you're a good or nice person. I want to surround myself with people who are positive influences on me, and you're not that. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that to pick a fight or be malicious, I think you're man enough to be able to hear what I think." (I was reflecting on this conversation later, if I ever have children I never want to have to go through hearing that from my children. Although it was said in a calm but firm voice, it must have been a terrible thing to hear in a room full of people.)

He said

"I think I am a good person, I'm getting to the point in my life where I don't want to have any disagreements with anyone. I'm trying to be a better person"

"Well to be honest, I don't believe you. I have no reason to."

The conversation moved on, and he asked me to come over and fix his laptop sometime, he said he would pay me.

", I don't want your money. I'll show you how to do it, then you can do it yourself. I don't want that whole mobile phone that happening again, I don't want to be blamed again for breaking your things."

"I've never blamed you for anything, I don't know what you mean about a mobile phone."

"You don't? Well, I remember a day as clear as a bell, your mobile phone had a problem and you asked me to fix it. I did and then it stopped working, I remember the time of day, where we were, everything. And you got angry, at which point I appologised and when home. Remember that?"

"No, I don't know what you mean."

"Funny I spoke to Peter later that day, apparently you phoned him cos you were so angry I broke your phone you told him you nearly hit me. Remember that? I do Sometimes Peter and I talk about that day, oh and you know what? that was the day the entire Vodafone network when down in Norfolk. remember that? I do, cos I was so pissed off I kept the newspaper cutting about the network going down. But anyway, I'll show you what to do So you can, but you can fix it yourself your own computer, it's not like you have anything else to do, I hear you're retired and bored so maybe learning something would be a good thing.
(Now that I write this out, I think I have to point out it wasn't said with such venom, the last bit was actually said in jest. Also, I binned the paper cutting long ago.)

hmm, I think I'll leave it there. Got a bit more to write about but maybe sleeping would be more positive. The second thing I was going to share can wait til another day. Kinda cool news, still undecided about it all tho. (ooo, the intrigue!)

So how did it end? Well, we agreed to meet up at another date and I would help him out with his laptop. There wasn't any hard feelings or tension. We rejoined the conversation and when it was time to leave we shook hands and said goodbye.

1 comment:

Ben F. Foster Esq. (c) said...

I still don't understand why exactly it's so important for you to always get the moral highground with him. It comes across as a competitive tit-for-tat for who is the most `righteous`, and you're the only one playing.

I understand the issues you have and know they must be hard, but when you're dad is nice and you don't roll with it or engage in it using self vindicating phrases like `I don't trust you`, you come across as childish and petty - and which is worse, the source of the problems.

At the end of the day, the issues you have are in the past and your relationship is here and now, your dad is claiming to be in a place where he's moving forward and building bridges but you're stuck in the past demanding some sort of retribution.

I say this in love mate, but honestly, for the sake of your family and Jesus' sacrifice - get over yourself.