Sunday, 29 November 2009

flesh on bones

So, I went to doctors on the 6th. We talked for a bit, I attempted to explain what was going on in my head to varying degrees of success. Not to say I didn't explain how I was feeling, it's more that I can't fully remember now. Anyway, we agreed I would go and see him again the following month, in the mean time he gave me a questionnaire to fill out and some stuff to read.

I'm not entirely sure what he's going to get from those questions, some of the answers I found a bit limiting.

Last night at Sams I was was doing an email and I read the phrase 'intrusive thoughts', now, I've never come across it before, but something just clicked and I found myself thinking, "that's a great way of putting it". I did a quick google search when I got home and came up this wikipedia article, and you know what? I feel alot better for it. I feel like I can get my thoughts down more now I at least know I'm not so much of a headcase as I thought I was.

I appreciate it reads a bit headjobby,
but it's a great feeling reading about what you're feeling rather than trying to explain it. I should also add, I'm just because I'm quoting does not mean I'm getting thoughts like all the things quoted.

"unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. Intrusive thoughts, urges, and images are of inappropriate things at inappropriate times, usually falling into three categories: inappropriate aggressive thoughts, inappropriate sexual thoughts, or blasphemous religious thoughts"
"sufferers may feel shame and live in isolation, finding it hard to discuss their fears, doubts, and concerns"
"Suffering can be greater and treatment complicated when intrusive thoughts involve religious implications; patients may believe the thoughts are inspired by Satan, and may fear punishment from God or have magnified shame because they perceive themselves as sinful. Symptoms can be more distressful for sufferers with strong religious convictions or beliefs"
(fine example there of wikipedia being flawed, nice bit of repetition).
"Intrusive thoughts are associated with OCD or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, but may also occur with other conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, clinical depression, postpartum depression, and anxiety."
"People who are clinically depressed may experience intrusive thoughts more intensely, and view them as evidence that they are worthless or sinful people."
"The possibility that most patients suffering from intrusive thoughts will ever act on those thoughts is low. Patients who are experiencing intense guilt, anxiety, shame, and upset over these thoughts are different from those who actually act on them. The history of violent crime is dominated by those who feel no guilt or remorse; the very fact that someone is tormented by intrusive thoughts and has never acted on them before is an excellent predictor that they will not act upon the thoughts. Patients who are not troubled or shamed by their thoughts, do not find them distasteful, or who have actually taken action, might need to have more serious conditions such as psychosis or potentially criminal behaviors ruled out.
According to Baer, a patient should be concerned that intrusive thoughts are dangerous if the person does not feel upset by the thoughts, or rather finds them pleasurable; has ever acted on violent or sexual thoughts or urges; hears voices or sees things that others do not see; or feels uncontrollable irresistible anger."
"may feel shame, "embarrassment, guilt, distress, torment, fear that you may act on the thought or perceived impulse, and doubt about whether you have already acted in such a way." Depression may be a result of the self-loathing that can occur, depending on how much the OCD interferes with daily functioning or causes distress."
Parts of that article and parts of these quotes sum me up completely. I don't believe it's wise to self diagnose after reading an article online, but I do feel a bit more at peace about my head, but that doesn't actually change anything.

So, now you know why I sometimes flinch for no apparent reason as if I've walked on glass.

Appointment soon.


sparkles said...

let us know how you get on

tuftycat said...

In a similar place... good luck