Saturday, 5 August 2006

Today isn't what I imagined it to be

Switchfoot did a song called 'Let that be enough', Jon Foreman wrote it the day before he turned 22 and for years now I thought it would sum me up today. But it doesn't, it doesn't even come close.

Let that be enough
Switchfoot - New Way to Be Human (1997)
Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah who am I just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

But today isn't like that, I don't know what the future holds, but right now I have Mel and I'm so incredibly happy. I do have plans, I want to study counciling, but am happy at the moment staying in the job I have. I'm positive, God really has been meeting with me at church, I want to know him more and I am finding my peace of mind in him (and he is definatly doing the chorus!) I know who I am, where I've come from, the mistakes I've made before and how to not do them again, I'm not going to let history repeat, I'm refusing to let myself screw things up.

This time last year I was going life coaching (it seems so long ago now) and I identfied various areas in my life I wanted to change, they were:

  • Accomodation - I wanted to move out
  • Financial - I wanted to get a secure job that paid well
  • Maturity - I just needed to get out of my comfort zone and grow up!
  • Faith - I wasn't in a good place with God at all
  • Relationships - I felt so alone
Its strange how things have panned out, it seemed I moved out on a whim but that seems to have turned out really well. Hanging out with my mum is alot more enjoyable and we can talk on a deeper level now, we would still be getting on each others nerves if I was still at home.

The job I'm in right now makes me very happy and I'm really enjoying it, whether I get to keep it remains to be seen, but right now I'm trying to focus on at least knowing I have ended my probation period doing the best I can. If I don't get the job, I don't want leave with regrets thinking like "if only I did this better", thats not gonna help anything.

I think the combination of moving out, getting a job in the secular world and being virtually self reliant has been a good thing for me. Becoming more aware of the people around me and how I interact with them is something I feel I'm inproving on...its all a continual process of growth and learning really.

After finishing with NYFC I was pretty much burnt out, not cos I was over worked or anything, (after all I did only do 12 hours per week), but because I was working on my own momentum and not relying on God. I pretty much stopped reading my bible, only prayed during the team prayers and when I got in a jam, went along to church because I was expected to.

Christmas eve just gone I told God "if it wasn't for the people around me and what they would say, I would have turned my back on you ages ago." I told him to leave and that I wanted nothing more to do with him. Come Christmas morning I work up and for the first time in my life I felt this weight come off my shoulders. I could do whatever I wanted not worrying about any consequences of my sin and how that would effect my so call christian walk. So much freedom, but this incredible emptiness was left. I felt completely and utterly alone. Sure, I had friends and family around me, but God was gone. Like the perfect gentleman, I ordered him to leave...and he left.

For the next week I found myself being able to do whatever I wanted, but the thing is, who wants to be able to everything when you are doing it alone? After the Christmas day service I bumped into Mel (and didn't actually have a clue who she was...even tho we had hung out a few times before), I had a face like a slapped arse and she asked me what was up. We arranged to meet and the pub and we talked and talked. I think we met at about 6:30 and I ended up leaving her house at about 2am. But in that time we talked about everything, I spilled it all and in that muddle of my life spread out across the pub table next to my pint of diet coke (no lemon) there I found my faith again. I remembered why I became a Christian in the first place, it was because I knew I couldn't deal with this life alone, I knew that by myself I would ruin it all and it was only God who offered the answers to my questions.

Fast forward to the 24/7 prayer week and I was a totally different person, I still struggled alot with somethings, but here I was given space to be with God alone for an hour a day. No distractions, no noise restrictions, it was perfect. Things changed that week and I kinda wish I was able to go to the 24/7 prayer room daily, but its all been about growth, and as I said to my friend Hannah a moment ago, I think my relationship with God is starting to bloom.

through out all of this, Mel has been there as my rock. Giving advice, challenging and encouraging me, giving me a kick up the arse when I needed it. She's help me discover alot about myself and grow in my faith while also listening and learning from what I have to say. We don't always agree and I love that. I don't want to be with someone who is always in agreement with Me and I also don't want to be with someone who is so sure of their own ideas that they refuse to listen to others. Its iron sharpening iron and I love it. She is carefree not careless, she steers away from gossiping and bitching about people, she is confrontational but caring, strong in who she is but follows God. She is a woman after my own heart, she is all I want "she's my best friend and more" (Ben Folds) and so we're seeking God in this. We're looking for his direction, whether this is right or not and what to do if it is/isn't. It could all go wrong, we could both get very hurt, its a risk we are both taking, but I'm glad we are, cos just chickening out and not knowing isn't a option.

So thats me, today I'm 22.


Phil said...

*stands beside Dave and smiles*

Ben F. Foster Esq. (c) said...

I'll have what Dave's having.

sparkles said...

wow what an encouraging post to read!!

Happy 'Belated' Birthday!