so

exciting times ahead then eh?

Now let me explain. On Friday the 1st of February at about 1:10 pm I shut down my computer, took my payslips, cuff links and a VHS copy of Jeffrey Bernard Is Unwell from my desk draw and walked out of my job.

While I'm not really sure the exact events surrounding this little out burst are particularly important (or OK to write here) hmmm, maybe that just gave it alot more edge than it deserves...? I'll say this, moments before I upped and left I had just come back down to earth after spending 15 minutes staring at my monitor not really knowing what to do. My hands were shaking, my chest was tight, my heart was racing and my stomach felt like it was in knots.

Weeks have passed since I wrote the above, I can't really be bothered to give an actual account but for the sake of keeping a record it went a little like this:

• I met up with a friend who drove me home and I chilled out for the afternoon.
• The next day I went to cornwall with my mum for my brother's baptism, I had a really cool weekend and ended up playing bass at his church, still managed the bum notes but playing on a skateboard ramp was rather different. Pete got baptised in the sea (goes to a surfer church) and I got very wet. This however was to be expected considering I walked into the sea to get a picture. It was very cool. It was great hanging out with Laura (Pete's wife) she's really cool and great fun to be with. It was really nice to see how they are getting on being all married and stuff.
• Came home and chilled out.
• Went to the doctors who signed me off work with stress. Wasn't quite expecting that one but the time off work was really good. I spent a few days reading in the sun, playing football and cricket with the local kids.
• Spoke to my manager about being off work, he was very helpful and told me to keep in touch.
• Spoke to manager (about a week later) and told him I decided I wouldn't be coming back, he was ok with this and said I didn't have to work my notice. (yay).
• Went job hunting only to find out temp agencys have started caring about who they employ now seem interested in CVs and the like. Bum.
• Spoke to one agency who still had me on file from 2005 and my record was glowing! ;) and so I have a meeting with them tomorrow.

So, alot's happened. It hasn't been all swish tho. For the past few days I've really struggled to get out of bed and do something. It's this feeling that I need to get moving and need to change something, anything will do just to get rid of that feeling. The last time I felt like this was back in july, I changed the only thing I felt I had control over, I shaved off all my hair and then went over it with a razor. Today (after growing it since july) I had it cut really short and shave off my laughable facial hair.

The other evening I was with some friends, I was talking to one person who said about my poor memory and she said something along the lines of "so basically you're really unreliable", and while I know she meant it as a joke I really struggled to get it out of my head. On the way home I said to my housemate "I can't get this phase out of my head 'went it comes down to it, I will let you down. When it really counts, you won't be able to count on me." I knew this wasn't what I really felt, but struggled to find an example of when I really came through for someone to act as an argument to that statement. I couldn't think of a skill or talent that I have that makes me the right person or any job. I'm still struggling with it. In most instances whether it be in work or church, at home or with my family, letting people down seems to be the running theme. I suppose that explains the latter part or the previous paragraph.

On a slight tangent, I have been reading Velvet Elvis recently, firstly he says about seeking help if you're feeling like this, whether that be counciloring or whatever, and I've decided that's something I have avoided for a while now but it's all something that (I feel) is nessesary.

And secondly, when talking about how we live our lives as christians he put it like this and it made me laugh out loud:

"are you smoking what you're selling?"