Sunday, 8 February 2009

words I didn't write but seem appropriate at the moment

When the storm is raging all around me, You are the peace that calms my troubled sea.
And the cares of this world darken my day, You are the light that shines and shows me the way.
Oh, the beauty of Your majesty, on the cross You showed Your love for me.

Beautiful Lord, awesome and mighty I’m captured by this love I see.
Beautiful Lord tender and holy Your mercy brings me to my knees
It’s Your mercy that has made me free, beautiful Lord

When my sin is all that I can see, Your grace remains the shelter that I seek.
And when my weakness is all I can give Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again.
Oh, the beauty of Your majesty, on the cross You showed Your love for me.

And I am lifted by Your love to sing!
It’s Your mercy that has made me free!
It's been a bit of an odd day or so.
I met up with him. It wasn't quite what I was expecting. Firstly, he was late. (I'm gonna say it now, I don't think I'm going to give a balanced overview). Also, his wife came along.
I greeted him with and hand shake and gave her a hug. I was undecided at the time and still am whether I gave her a hug out of being happy to see her or if it was meet showing him subconsciously I prefer her company to his.

We did small talk

and I couldn't help but notice how much he tapped the table. I have spent many an afternoon tapping the boardroom table of Homeserve Emergency Services. I used to do it to cover up the fact I was so nervous I was shaking, I think he was doing the same.
He didn't give much eye contact.

Something I did pick up on what that his wife interrupted him a few times. I couldn't help but smile. I've always known her to be an incredibly shy person so this was a massive change in her, I'm glad of that.

I bought a bottle of water with me. Not only because I get thirsty when nervous, but because he wouldn't be able to offer me a drink. You see, something I have observed is that he buys things to make himself feel better, almost like doing so has helped him fulfil his parental duty by providing. Without that and also without me taking him up on his offer of buying lunch, he was a bit stuck. It was not my intention to make him uncomfortable, and just wanted him, nothing else, just him. Maybe that does make him feel uncomfortable. The hardest thing some people do everyday is look in the mirror. So anyway, without the option of spending time looking at the menu and all the faff that goes along with that, we had an hour of conversation.

It bugged me that he felt he had the right to comment on situations that he was completely unrelated to. Like whether my mum had sold her house and how he told her to do it 2 years ago.
I feel like he gave up his rights to comment on stuff like that we he left when I was 7 - (For the sake of an attempted balanced view, we went to my grans and then a court order was issued to have him removed from the house.) You give up your rights and the name 'Dad' when you settle an argument with open fisted beatdown. You get demoted to your first name. Yes, you maybe a 'Dad' but you are no longer 'Dad' by name. Then he started telling me how I should be doing things. Again, I don't think he has that right and the more I reflect on this, the more my peace floats away.

I feel like I have come away with an open wound. I feel like stitched and scared tissue have been split open. I did feel strongly that God was telling me to do something, I did feel he told me I was ready to deal with this. It's been started again, I've tried to be obedient and Father, it hurts so much.

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