Thursday, 28 May 2009

Poor timing (or '84 hours earlier')

Last friday, before I round out when he was leaving the country, I was round Mel's.

At some point towards the end of the evening, after a moments (it felt like forever) thinking I finally said "Mel, do you think there will ever be 'us' again?"

and so began a conversation I didn't really plan on having. Once I said it I felt a sense relief and nerves. J had been restless in his sleep that night, I said as he coughed some more "I want to be a part of this", pointing to his room. Later I said "you wrote on that painting 'place me like a seal over your heart' and so I did."

The conversation, while fragmented in my head, was actually quite honest. I said how I wasn't entirely sure how I felt sometimes.

(When we got back in contact, while I was trying not to think about what would happen next, what it would lead to, I recognised that not thinking about it was irresponsible. You see there are three people in this situation, Josh, Mel and Me. How I conducted myself would potentially affect him and so I had to force myself to think about my actions, texts, emails, conversations.)

She said something along the lines the same thing but wouldn't (and I felt rightly so) say exactly what she felt. We arranged to meet up this evening to talk about it, however due to this week being the way it has, we're going to just watch a dvd (comedy preferably) and eat "pretty good popcorn".

It hasn't caused any sort of tension (that I've picked up on) this week. We actually went to the pub on monday evening and talked for a bit about my conversation with him earlier on in the day. That was helpful.

I appologised to her last night if I have put her in an awkward position. It's not easy to have a relationship type conversation when you're falling apart. We'll see how it goes, but it kinda was poor timing on my part.

1 comment:

Phil said...

You're doing fine.