In an effort to be more like Ben Foster

I took to the idea of contacting well known people.

click the image

Click here

two things

(I need to point out, when I posted this the other day I realised I needed to change bits because they didn't clearly explain what went on. I haven't changed bits in response to comments. Bits that are in italics are bits that were added .Bits with Strikethough are parts I would choose to remove but haven't to show changes.)

the thursday after I met my dad I was at a funeral and he was there also.
I wanted to take a photo to fully capture the surrealness that was going on but it's didn't seem appropriate.

Standing in a square going anti-clockwise was me, my mum, my oldest brother and dad.

Mum and dad were talking and laughing at points and I head a head of confusion. In my head I imagined taking him into a back room to talk to him away from the crowds but it didn't seem to go that way. After about, I dunno 25 minutes or so someone came up to my mum and started talking about something, like me he seemed removed from the conversation so I took a step back. Moments later he followed and started talking about something I don't recall then I interrupted, I'll be honest, I can't really remember how he responded to most of the things he said...

"Why can't you be like this all the time?
You know, we have all told Mum not to talk to you, to not go anywhere near you. You know why? Because it goes like this, it's a set process now: You're polite, she's polite, you make conversation, she makes conversation, you're a completely dick to to her and she ends up really upset. Why do you do that? Why can't you just be nice? Why can't you be polite? Now I know she can be hard to talk to sometimes, it's quite easy to deal with, you just change the subject and walk away, it that really so hard?

That's one of the reason I don't contact you, look me in the eye damit, it's because of that and the fact I don't like you, I don't trust you and I don't think you're a good or nice person. I want to surround myself with people who are positive influences on me, and you're not that. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that to pick a fight or be malicious, I think you're man enough to be able to hear what I think." (I was reflecting on this conversation later, if I ever have children I never want to have to go through hearing that from my children. Although it was said in a calm but firm voice, it must have been a terrible thing to hear in a room full of people.)

He said

"I think I am a good person, I'm getting to the point in my life where I don't want to have any disagreements with anyone. I'm trying to be a better person"

"Well to be honest, I don't believe you. I have no reason to."

The conversation moved on, and he asked me to come over and fix his laptop sometime, he said he would pay me.

"...no, I don't want your money. I'll show you how to do it, then you can do it yourself. I don't want that whole mobile phone that happening again, I don't want to be blamed again for breaking your things."

"I've never blamed you for anything, I don't know what you mean about a mobile phone."

"You don't? Well, I remember a day as clear as a bell, your mobile phone had a problem and you asked me to fix it. I did and then it stopped working, I remember the time of day, where we were, everything. And you got angry, at which point I appologised and when home. Remember that?"

"No, I don't know what you mean."

"Funny I spoke to Peter later that day, apparently you phoned him cos you were so angry I broke your phone you told him you nearly hit me. Remember that? I do Sometimes Peter and I talk about that day, oh and you know what? that was the day the entire Vodafone network when down in Norfolk. remember that? I do, cos I was so pissed off I kept the newspaper cutting about the network going down. But anyway, I'll show you what to do So you can, but you can fix it yourself your own computer, it's not like you have anything else to do, I hear you're retired and bored so maybe learning something would be a good thing. (Now that I write this out, I think I have to point out it wasn't said with such venom, the last bit was actually said in jest. Also, I binned the paper cutting long ago.)

hmm, I think I'll leave it there. Got a bit more to write about but maybe sleeping would be more positive. The second thing I was going to share can wait til another day. Kinda cool news, still undecided about it all tho. (ooo, the intrigue!)

So how did it end? Well, we agreed to meet up at another date and I would help him out with his laptop. There wasn't any hard feelings or tension. We rejoined the conversation and when it was time to leave we shook hands and said goodbye.

and they say romance is dead

words I didn't write but seem appropriate at the moment

When the storm is raging all around me, You are the peace that calms my troubled sea.
And the cares of this world darken my day, You are the light that shines and shows me the way.
Oh, the beauty of Your majesty, on the cross You showed Your love for me.

Beautiful Lord, awesome and mighty I’m captured by this love I see.
Beautiful Lord tender and holy Your mercy brings me to my knees
It’s Your mercy that has made me free, beautiful Lord

When my sin is all that I can see, Your grace remains the shelter that I seek.
And when my weakness is all I can give Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again.
Oh, the beauty of Your majesty, on the cross You showed Your love for me.

And I am lifted by Your love to sing!
It’s Your mercy that has made me free!

It's been a bit of an odd day or so.
I met up with him. It wasn't quite what I was expecting. Firstly, he was late. (I'm gonna say it now, I don't think I'm going to give a balanced overview). Also, his wife came along.
I greeted him with and hand shake and gave her a hug. I was undecided at the time and still am whether I gave her a hug out of being happy to see her or if it was meet showing him subconsciously I prefer her company to his.

We did small talk










and I couldn't help but notice how much he tapped the table. I have spent many an afternoon tapping the boardroom table of Homeserve Emergency Services. I used to do it to cover up the fact I was so nervous I was shaking, I think he was doing the same.
He didn't give much eye contact.

Something I did pick up on what that his wife interrupted him a few times. I couldn't help but smile. I've always known her to be an incredibly shy person so this was a massive change in her, I'm glad of that.

I bought a bottle of water with me. Not only because I get thirsty when nervous, but because he wouldn't be able to offer me a drink. You see, something I have observed is that he buys things to make himself feel better, almost like doing so has helped him fulfil his parental duty by providing. Without that and also without me taking him up on his offer of buying lunch, he was a bit stuck. It was not my intention to make him uncomfortable, and just wanted him, nothing else, just him. Maybe that does make him feel uncomfortable. The hardest thing some people do everyday is look in the mirror. So anyway, without the option of spending time looking at the menu and all the faff that goes along with that, we had an hour of conversation.

It bugged me that he felt he had the right to comment on situations that he was completely unrelated to. Like whether my mum had sold her house and how he told her to do it 2 years ago.
I feel like he gave up his rights to comment on stuff like that we he left when I was 7 - (For the sake of an attempted balanced view, we went to my grans and then a court order was issued to have him removed from the house.) You give up your rights and the name 'Dad' when you settle an argument with open fisted beatdown. You get demoted to your first name. Yes, you maybe a 'Dad' but you are no longer 'Dad' by name. Then he started telling me how I should be doing things. Again, I don't think he has that right and the more I reflect on this, the more my peace floats away.

I feel like I have come away with an open wound. I feel like stitched and scared tissue have been split open. I did feel strongly that God was telling me to do something, I did feel he told me I was ready to deal with this. It's been started again, I've tried to be obedient and Father, it hurts so much.

few things

I think I might call Jorge tomorrow (aka Mr Garcia), I think I have finally clicked on a couple of things. I realized I just don't trust him.
Secondly, I think it's a bit odd he feels it wrong that I don't talk to him, but he refuses to contact his own niece. I think he deserves to know this, it seems only fair. If I do meet up with him, my intention is to state fact, say how I feel. I'm not interested in picking a fight.

I don't trust him, but I do trust my Father in heaven.

In other news, I'm back in contact with Mel. It's great to be catching up with a friend I've only seen a handful of times in the last two years. We're meeting for a proper catch up on monday. I've really enjoyed our text conversations recently, back to the ol' iron sharpening iron, it's good and exciting stuff.

Ducklings