Its been a interesting two weeks

Well the first thing that stands out for me is that I broke a bone, ok ok it was my little toe, but it still hurt! I manage to catch it on my lace and bend it sideways!

And to be honest, thats all I can remember! I started writing this entry a couple of days ago and now I can't for the life of me remember what I was gonna say. Oh well.

Its been kinda interesting at work, monday marks the end of the second month in my three month probation and to be honest I'm kinda worried. I am currently working in the credit control department of Homeserve Emergency Services, basically I collect debt from insurance companies. Our monthly targets are 70% and as of friday I was at 48%, the thing it, I had a LONG list of payment that were raised at the begining of the month and were due to be paid at the end, now I don't know if that 48% was including those payments or not. If they're not, I'm kinda stuffed, if they are, well, I will be over the moon!

I'll find out on monday morning. The thing is, I am really enjoying this job, I never thought I could deal with working in an office enviroment, I thought I would fine the shirt and tie thing really restrictive, I thought I would be bored out of my mind, but I actually really enjoy this. The people I work with are REALLY nice, the management are dynamic and the company as a whole are going places. I want to be apart of this. I crave the security this job offers of regular hours, decent pay, room for growth...I just have this sinking feeling at the moment I'm going to lose it all.

What am I saying? God gave me this job, either he wants me in it or he has something else planned, I'm trying not to worry, I just want to feel safe in my employment. I want to be able to plan my time, increase my finances, not worry about this but look to the future.

God, its yours, help me to stop worrying.

X3watch - monthly accountability report.

Greetings.

You are receiving this email from Dave who has signed up for X3Watch, a free Internet accountability service from XXXChurch.com, and has identified you as their accountability partner.

Please see the information listed below for possible questionable websites that may have been visited over the past 2 weeks.
Setup 06/07/2006
06/09/2006, 05:26 PM, http://www.yahoo.com/
06/10/2006, 02:44 AM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/10/2006, 06:55 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/10/2006, 09:47 PM, http://home.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=12026765&Mytoken=857685D1-19B2-43EE-9ABF06C04E0280B0211345546
06/10/2006, 09:49 PM, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=4263860
06/10/2006, 09:50 PM, http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/
06/11/2006, 02:32 PM, http://www.bbc.co.uk/
06/12/2006, 01:15 AM, http://www.myspace.com/bradleyhathaway
06/12/2006, 06:05 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/12/2006, 06:11 PM, http://thelifeofmarcy.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_thelifeofmarcy_archive.html
06/12/2006, 09:40 PM, http://www.myspace.com/bradleyhathaway
06/13/2006, 12:39 AM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/14/2006, 12:02 AM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/14/2006, 08:43 PM, http://myspace.com/12stones
06/14/2006, 09:38 PM, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=1174021
06/14/2006, 09:38 PM, http://myspace.com/fftl
06/14/2006, 11:31 PM, http://iguessillcrynow.blogspot.com/
06/14/2006, 11:40 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/14/2006, 11:49 PM, http://myspace.com/relientk
06/14/2006, 11:55 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/6152738.html
06/15/2006, 06:48 PM, http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/4853008.stm
06/15/2006, 06:50 PM, http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/4853008.stm
06/15/2006, 06:52 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/17/2006, 11:42 PM, http://uk.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/18/2006, 12:28 AM, http://www.mininova.org/
06/18/2006, 01:02 AM, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00009V7TZ/qid=1150555942/sr=8-2/ref=pd_bbs_2/103-1331493-6454207?n=507846&s=music&v=glance
06/18/2006, 01:23 AM, http://search.blogger.com/?ui=blg&q=ben+outram
06/18/2006, 02:36 PM, http://myspace.com/relientk
06/18/2006, 02:48 PM, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=12813028
06/18/2006, 02:52 PM, http://myspace.com/relientk
06/19/2006, 12:03 AM, http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=3204454&blogID=123638068&MyToken=d1e91603-1e6b-40c3-8e6b-1fca374c7c13
06/19/2006, 05:50 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/19/2006, 06:15 PM, http://www.myspace.com/figurefour
06/19/2006, 11:31 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/20/2006, 11:06 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/pages/profile/index.php?user=GBKeroberos
06/21/2006, 12:24 AM, http://cordonline.co.uk/
06/21/2006, 12:26 AM, http://www.myspace.com/cordonline
06/21/2006, 06:15 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/6152974.html
06/21/2006, 07:52 PM, http://www.myspace.com/cordonline
06/21/2006, 11:53 PM, http://igotideasbut.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_igotideasbut_archive.html
06/22/2006, 07:55 PM, http://uk.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/22/2006, 08:23 PM, http://www.myspace.com/cordonline
06/22/2006, 08:23 PM, http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=24365270&blogID=132373904&MyToken=61ff6ee6-cfa8-496e-8a0c-b54bb1e6c78c
06/22/2006, 08:24 PM, http://www.myspace.com/cordonline
06/22/2006, 08:24 PM, http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=24365270&blogID=132373904&MyToken=61ff6ee6-cfa8-496e-8a0c-b54bb1e6c78c
06/22/2006, 08:25 PM, http://www.myspace.com/cordonline
06/23/2006, 12:16 AM, http://igotideasbut.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_igotideasbut_archive.html
06/23/2006, 12:34 AM, http://www.myspace.com/cordonline
06/23/2006, 05:47 PM, http://wii.1up.com/do/blogEntry?bId=7195747&publicUserId=4561231
06/24/2006, 09:17 PM, http://www.penny-arcade.com/
06/24/2006, 10:35 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/6153095.html
06/25/2006, 01:30 PM, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=56112807
06/26/2006, 06:11 PM, http://myspace.com/kingjamesi
06/26/2006, 06:18 PM, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=2518831
06/26/2006, 10:57 PM, http://youtube.com/results?search=Nikki+Rogers&search_type=search_videos&search=Search
06/27/2006, 11:28 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/28/2006, 05:45 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/index.html
06/28/2006, 07:07 PM, http://news.bbc.co.uk/
06/29/2006, 07:41 AM, http://www.yahoo.com/?p=1148339533
07/02/2006, 12:55 AM, http://www.norwichyfc.co.uk/YaBBSE/index.php?topic=10682.msg272320#msg272320
07/02/2006, 08:39 PM, http://www.mininova.org/
07/02/2006, 08:59 PM, http://tb.polygonized.com/dtd/
07/02/2006, 10:32 PM, http://www.mininova.org/
User has manually closed the X3watch application on 07/04/2006,07:47 AM
07/04/2006, 05:57 PM, http://www.mininova.org/
07/04/2006, 06:27 PM, http://www.hotbot.com/alch.php?src=si&query=carmageddon%20demo%20crack
07/04/2006, 07:42 PM, http://www.mininova.org/
07/05/2006, 10:34 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=24771840&sid=6153520
07/06/2006, 12:19 AM, http://us.gamespot.com/features/burningquestions/index.html
07/06/2006, 06:22 PM, http://www.mininova.org/
07/06/2006, 06:43 PM, http://www.doyouhaveissues.blogspot.com/
07/06/2006, 06:44 PM, http://doyouhaveissues.blogspot.com/2006/06/president-bush-blogging-on-myspace.html
07/06/2006, 06:47 PM, http://www.doyouhaveissues.blogspot.com/
07/06/2006, 06:48 PM, http://doyouhaveissues.blogspot.com/
07/06/2006, 06:48 PM, http://doyouhaveissuesphotos.blogspot.com/
07/06/2006, 06:49 PM, http://doyouhaveissues.blogspot.com/
07/06/2006, 07:05 PM, http://www.myspace.com/mutemath
07/06/2006, 07:23 PM, http://www.mininova.org/tor/304952
07/08/2006, 01:37 PM, http://www.purevolume.com/nizlopi/blog
07/08/2006, 07:23 PM, http://www.beyondgrandpa.com/drtran/main.html
07/08/2006, 07:24 PM, http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=582764832&n=2
07/09/2006, 09:21 AM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/6153574.html
07/09/2006, 09:10 PM, http://www.purevolume.com/nizlopi
07/10/2006, 12:05 AM, http://igotideasbut.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_igotideasbut_archive.html
07/11/2006, 05:58 PM, http://www.myspace.com/switchfoot
07/11/2006, 07:52 PM, http://us.gamespot.com/news/6153778.html
07/13/2006, 06:58 PM, http://b3ta.com/
07/19/2006, 05:54 PM, http://www.joystiq.com/2006/07/18/should-we-consider-the-psp-dead/
07/19/2006, 06:30 PM, http://www.gameklip.com/v/719/
07/19/2006, 10:31 PM, http://www.ratm.net/lyrics/gue.html
07/19/2006, 11:00 PM, http://www.mininova.org/
07/26/2006, 12:25 AM, http://igotideasbut.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_igotideasbut_archive.html

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Be my accountablity partner

So, I'm really trying to further myself in being completely honest with people, kinda baring all so people don't misunderstand who I am.
I think sometimes people view me as someone who thinks I have it all sorted out, that I have a holier than thou view on people, or worse still, think I'm oblivious to my failing and short comings.

So heres the deal, I have X3Watch installed on my pc, it logs the websites I go on and if I go on any websites that are unhealthy for me, an email is sent to my accountablity partner telling them about it. In reading this you have just become my new accountablity partner, appearing on my blog will start to appear a run down of any sites that I have been on that aren't good, if you spot any, ask me why I have been on them. Post a comment making me explain why I have been on that website.

Also, I challenge you to do the same, if we aren't accountable for our actions to someone, how can we expect to grow?

The last 48 hours

When I wrote 'This morning at church' a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think for a moment I would actually be writting about what I experienced yesterday at church.

I'm in two minds on if I actually want to write about it here. Either way, something happened yesterday that I didn't expect (apart from being completely heart broken), through my floods of tears I felt an arm around me and a hand on my head. I thought it was Chris only to see the shoes this person was wearing. It was the friend I had fallen out with last summer (more info here). I couldn't speak, my heart was overflowing with grief and he continued praying for me.

After what seemed forever, we hugged, I said "I'm sorry" and we talked briefly what had happened in our lives over the last year. Still not knowing what to say or how to act, I invited him over for lunch, it ended up Chris, Dave, Him and I eating burgers in my house.

Right now I still have no idea what to say, there is still alot of stuff I need to get clear in my head, not just with my Dad (who, yet again, has been the cause of my dispair), but also with this old friend. I dunno.

Work was kinda interesting this morning, I almost burst into tears within about 5 minutes of arriving.

My heart was consumed with was happened yesterday, however, I cast my mind back to yesterday evening...and I couldn't help but smile. I spent it with the person I wrote this about, we talked, shared, laughed and hugged. Just thinking about her changes everything. I didn't want to be anywhere else.

Funny thing though, we talk about how she was taller than me, and how she found that to be an issue when we first met (issue is too much of a strong word, lets just say she liked taller men), I never went for girls taller than me. I joked that if we ever did get together, she would get back problems from hugging me.
I do wonder where this is all going with her, but she is so lovely and so worth fighting for.

Prayer request

I just got off the phone to a customer who I had written to regarding something (which obviously I won't share on here), however, she was kinda upset as her husband is currently in the operating theatre having open heart surgery.

She is very worried, so if you are reading this, please pray that God's peace will fall on her.

Thanks!

An accident, I'm sure

...but she, she deserved that hit, I mean that accidental slip, that caused the split of the lip.
I said to her: "because honey, this is my house and we abide by my rules (unless I choose to change them), I'm an honest man, I work hard, I provide the bread & I will not tolerate nor even contemplate standing for your foolishness."

Watching one half of a recently separated couple at the train station

I would give you a hug if I thought it would help.
You're walking alone, so so broken.
I'm sorry.

yeah yeah

Cos I'm an already but yet resurrected fallen man, come break this limbo
And I know you know just who I've been. Come define me.
What can we do if the rumours are true?
Rumour has it you love me
Rumour had it the world spins upside down
Rumour has it you're my only hope...and the rumours are true.
I turn everything over.

'Switchfoot - I turn everything over'

This big adventure

I want you to be a part of this big adventure
I'll be your shield if you'll be my crown
And I'll carry you on my back if ever you feel down
You are more lovely than you let yourself believe
And believe me, you are worth fighting for.
So sing these words of a new song
Hand in hand before our God
Lets not stop these sofa talks
But lets also move to new ground
Make me laugh, make me smile,
lets stop and think for a while
Lets read the word together
Lets eat the word together
Infact lets live the word together
You and me, in this big adventure.

"The Devil has been around a long time...and he doesn't play fair."

"The Devil has been around a long time...and he doesn't play fair." - Danny Doran-Smith

So, I'm sitting there in meeting about reality and I wrote this down:

I just felt the devil attack.
Danny said how he mentors Pete, Danny is a great man of God, I felt a wave of jealously come upon me. I felt resentment for Pete. I wished l was mentored by Danny, to me it said that Pete was chosen because of his qualities & that his were better than mine.
But bless Pete God!
Thankyou that you have put them together!
Bless that relationship that he will grow more in you.
And for me, help me focus on my relationship with you, don't let me compare myself with anyone else because to be honest, its how l connect with you, not how others connect and how that measures against my spritual life.

And then:

Danny was talking about how some of the people in the prayer teams would be put with more experienced people, this got me thinking "I wonder if I will be a leader" (that was my ego kicking in again) Then l felt the Devil tell me that l was worthless, that l'm in experienced that l'm not up to being the leader, but l am. (Whether I want to be or not is another thing tho! haha!) I'm not being arrogant but l have been doing stuff like this for 5 years, l do have the knowlege, l do have the experience, and l can do all things through christ who give me strength!!
So suck on that Devil.

God the Father, me the Child

I haven't posted much recently manly cos I had nothing to write about, the reason I had nothing to write about was that I stopped reading my bible and praying again. (I never learn, it was only two or three weeks ago I was saying how much of a difference the 24/7 prayer room had made on my life and now I'm finding myself not spending enough time with God. I'm stupid I really am.)

Anyway, alot of things have been going on, firstly, I have been reading 'Wild at Heart' which has been an odd experience, I'm about three quarters through and pretty much every day for the last week or two (I read it on my lunch breaks) John (the writter) has said something that was slap bang relevant to me.

It really hurts sometimes, cos it cuts straight to the bone and God is speaking loud and clear on somethings. The one that springs to mind the most is forgiving your father. Now, my brothers (I have three) quite often point out to me that I'm a hipocrite, I claim to be a christian, but I don't talk to my Dad. "I've cried many times and I've sighed many times, I talk the talk without the walk you can hear it in my rhymes" Thats a quote from a track called Candle by Dirt & Nazir and it totally sums me up quite alot of the time. They look at me me and all they see is the times that I screw up, I sometimes I could make them understand I'm not blind to my faults, I'm not so arrogant that I ingnore argh, I wish I could explain what I mean more, maybe I need to go and sleep.

The gist of it is this, I feel I can't forgive my Dad for the things he has done and they way he has hurt me when he won't even achknowlege what he has done, time after time I have said "get away from me, I've had enough, I can't deal with with" time after time I have started over again and time after time he has hurt me again. It doesn't make sense to put myself in a place where I know I will get hurt does it? And I know it will happen! One of my brothers has said to me alot of times "Dad is idiot and he does talk crap but you kinda have to just say 'yeah, whatever Dad' and ingnore him" I don't want a Dad like that, I think the reason I did so much agency work was the fact I was in a really strong male enviroment, where I learnt what 'real' men where meant to be like, listening to them I learnt about having children, being married, working hard, now I admit, it wasn't idea, but I learnt alot more from a three week period being a bin man than I ever did from my own Dad. Why would someone want to hang out with someone when their traits, values and attitudes towards life is completely opposite to their own? Why put yourself in that place when you know it won't be healthy for you? I can't see any traits in my Dad that hope to inhert or pass on to my children. Do you phone someone you don't like to see how they are? no. You are polite, but you don't go out of your way to meet with them, its like that with my dad.

"now you must understand: Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will. as neil Anderson has written, "don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving, you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowlege that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father. This is not saying: "it didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says "it was wrong, it mattered and I release you."
And then we ask God to father us, and tell us our true name." But how does that work if your father never accepts blame. I've had my brother try and pass me the phone saying "Dad wants to speak to you, he is crying" And in my head I'm thinking "good, now you know what its like to to really hurt. " But if he did actually hurt, why doesn't he act on it!? What a fool! (what a fool I am, I just said "if he did actually hurt, why doesn't he act on it" why don't I act on it? I suppose my reasoning is that I don't feel I should have to, I was hurt first, I am still the child, why do I have to lead by example? And I have done already by saysing "I forgive you" and welcoming him back so many times before one to have him hurt me again.

I was saying earlier how I don't want to have his traits but I have been told how if he would fall out with someone he would just write them off and ingnore them. I'm doing this at the moment, last summer my best friend (at the time) and I fell out over something, I still to this day have no idea (regardless of what he actually thinks!) what it was all about. I can remember saying, "whatever it is, tell me and I won't do it again, I don't want to upset you" and I didn't really get an answer, all I know is that when we prayed for each other he said something that will always stick with me "Father God, Dave says he's sorry and I pray that he is". It was kinda like a slap in the face, we made up and then quite clearly in one second it was all broken again. I don't speak to him much any more, I won't approach him unless he is with my other friends and conversation is kept to
"alright mate?"
"yeah I'm good thanks, you?"
"yeah I'm good"
"Cool."

With both of these people I have no urge to forgive either as (and please excuse me if I sound all hard done by here) but I feel the victim in this.

The thing is, God has been saying, LOADS that I need to get this sorted. I just don't want to make the first move, I ALWAYS make the first move, I am always the one who doesn't like conflict and will try my best to sort something out, but in these two cases, I can't do it, I've tried, but I can't do it.

Anyway, back to what I was gonna say at the begining of all this ramble, I was reading Isaiah Ch 45 and at the begining it says this "I have taken hold of your right hand...As I lead you, I will level mountains and break the iron bars on bronze gates of cities. I will give you treasures hidden in dark and secret places. Then you will know that I, the LORD God of Israel, have called you by name."

I picture it it like this: I've kicked my football into a load of stinging nettles and my Father (note: I didn't say dad) lead me through those nettles to my ball. He is crushing the nettles and making a path for me, sometimes he is taking me on his shoulders and carrying me, but in all this, he is leading me by the hand. Hand in hand, mine in his, we are going to places I never thought I could go, and I'm going there confidently cos I'm with my father and nothing scares hims, he is strong, he is powerful, he is brave, he is honest and true. I look up at his shoulders , he turns around and looks me in the eye, and all I want and all I want to be there there.

This isn't my dad, this is my father. I was encouraged this morning, and I asked God to lead me.
Got alot more to say, but I'll leave it for tomorrow.

Jen is not Jenny Key

Me: jenny jenny jen jen
Me: hello!!
Her: hey.
Her: i uh, forgot who this is.
Her: you have no idea who trhis is
Her: skam?
Me:nope
Me:Dave Garcia
Me:(which could be that same thing)
Her: dave garcia?
Her: from where?
Me: ouch
Me: that hurts
Her:sorry.
Me:Jenny
Me:oooo
Me:different Jenny!
Me:I was about to say something
Her:are you from england?
Me:that i would later regret (I was about to say: "I kissed you in the basement of letton hall when I was 10 and you were 12...a moment I will never forget!!!" So glad I didn't!!!)
Me:lol
Me:Yeah
Her:ahhhh
Me:how are you anyway
Me:?
Her:you went to cornerstone, right?
Me:yup
Her:ok. i remember you now
Her:do yo know who I am?
Me:Yeah
Me:ermm
Me:i do know
Me:honest
Her:rudy
Me:Ooohh
Me:hey
Me:ah
Me:I suck with names and faces
Me:and msn just doesn't help
Her:it's cool
Me:You ok?
Her:oh, I'm great
Her:it's forth of july
Her:I'm getting trashed later. and going to shoot off fireworks
Me:Yeah, kinda wishing i was at C stone again
Me:or at least somewhere state side