"whats up, grumpy face?"

No really, whats up?
Where did your spark go?
You're frowning, thinking I'm sure, but I have to ask, why are you spending your time reliving and rewording the same situations over and over? Will it really make that much of a difference? The moment is gone, so do your self a favor and just move on. Do I have to spell it out? No. I don't do I? Don't look so uncomfortable, its ok, I know what you're thinking, and yes you are right. Let me quote you for a second, "how can I expect to love when I don't even meet with the one who first called it into being?"...have you even thought about acting on your own words? So why not try doing it for, just once. The stupid thing is, you and I both know its what you crave. The stupid thing is, you and I both know you know what is good for you and what isn't. Remind me for a sec, what was the reason you choose what makes you feel worse again? I can't remember, maybe its because I thought it was stupid in the first place. No offence my friend...no I take that back, I know it hurts, but don't you see what you're doing actually hurts you more? Come on mate, wake up, get a grip. You know what to do now, don't you? So go for it! What are you expecting? I told you so's ? He doesn't do that, you've known him long enough to know that.
So why not, what exactly is stopping you? What do you have right now that you actually care about losing?

He does love you. I know you know that, and I know you've told others that tons of times, but you really need to know it, believe it and live in it. Ok? Sleep now, have a good day at work tomorrow.

Patience

Surely if you are patient with someone for too long they just think you are spineless and don't have it in you to respond when you are hurting. This is stupid, I need to do something.

Sometimes I wish I was a girl

Then I could sing along to Plumb songs.
Also, women's clothing is SOO much cheaper and alot more interesting.
However, being a guy isn't all con's, we have our pro's too.

Oh and if you're reading too much into this post, you really need to get to know me more you silly head.

Review: Jesus Camp

Review: Jesus Camp

Brett McCracken (watch the trailer Youtube flash Video)

If Jesus Camp could be characterized as a genre film, I’d sooner label it horror than documentary. From the very outset and throughout its 80-some minutes, the mood is foreboding, with dirge-like music and stormy skies mixed with images of seven-year-olds speaking in tongues. The film is about a Midwestern summer camp for cute, little Christian preteens, and yet it comes across like Children of the Corn meets The Blair Witch Project.

Or so the filmmakers hope.

Directors Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady are following the recent trend of the terror-doc. Films like this summer’s An Inconvenient Truth—which was touted as “the scariest film you’ll see all year”—have perfected the application of thriller conventions and polarizing scare tactics to a medium that in previous eras was happily objective. Today, the “documentary” film is less about documenting something in the journalistic, reporting sense and more about how well real footage can be edited to form a compelling and manipulative narrative argument.

And the argument of Jesus Camp is pretty familiar: Evangelical Christians are radically conservative, gleefully anti-intellectual, flag-waving Dubya lovers who brainwash their WASP spawn in hopes of raising up an army to usher in a theocracy or the apocalypse, whichever comes first. The stereotypes propagated in the film seemed justified, because it is a documentary—simply cameras witnessing the reality of the situation. However, any stereotype can be propagated if you find the right people and know how to edit the footage. But you don’t see many documentaries out there blatantly reinforcing the worst kind of stereotypes about Jews, Hindus and certainly not Muslims, do you?

Christians are really the last major group to be openly, recklessly mocked in the media. For some reason, it is just not seen as politically incorrect to repeatedly portray Christians as bigoted, red-state ignoramuses. And for Christians, that is the most disturbing message of Jesus Camp.

The star of Jesus Camp is one Becky Fischer, a Pentecostal children’s pastor who looks like any other evangelical church lady. Fischer is something of a celebrity for her wildly popular summer camp, “Kids on Fire,” which is ironically held in Devil’s Lake, North Dakota, every summer. She is full of all sorts of soundbites such as, “George W. Bush has brought a lot of credibility to evangelical Christianity” and “Warlocks are enemies of God” (in reference to Harry Potter). No doubt Ewing and Grady had a hard time choosing which of Fischer’s golden comments to incorporate.

The majority of the film focuses on what goes on at the “Kids on Fire” camp. The shenanigans include kids dancing to Christian rap, tearfully praying for “righteous judges” and smashing “sinful” porcelain with a hammer. Oh, and there is a lot of crying, confession and hand-raising revival going on as well—more or less innocent if you have been around the Church and know what’s going on, but just-plain-creepy if you don’t.

Footage is also shot at some individual kids’ homes, where we meet homeschooling moms who insist that the class pledge allegiance to a color guard that includes the American, Christian and Israeli flags, as well as the Bible. We see Levi, age 12 (another “star” of the film), playing a creationism videogame and Tory dancing in her bedroom to Christian heavy metal.

There are also scenes at charismatic, megachurch New Life in Colorado Springs, in which pastor Ted Haggard (who heads up the powerful National Association of Evangelicals) is made to look like a cocky, power-mongering goof. And to drive home the “evangelicals as politicos” message, there is a scene of an anti-abortion protest on the steps of the Supreme Court as the young protagonists stand with duct-taped mouths to demonstrate and pray for the nomination of a pro-life judge.

All of this “craziness” is juxtaposed in the film to the “voice of reason,” Mike Papantonio, a liberal “Christian” radio host on the far left Air America station. He offers some really biting and ill-informed commentary that gives voice to the hidden agenda behind Jesus Camp. It would have been fine if Ewing and Grady had just filmed the goings-on of Becky Fischer’s camp; surely people would have understood that this is a small group of evangelicals and not the mainstream. But Papantonio insists that Fischer’s methods of “indoctrination” are the norm in evangelical Christendom, and it is a huge threat to the survival of the separation of church and state. And when Fischer herself calls in to speak with Papantonio (and subsequently digs herself and evangelicalism into a deeper hole), all you can do is cringe—or cry.

For Christians of any measure of moderation, Jesus Camp ends up being embarrassing, degrading and makes you feel like the silenced minority. It’s also maddening because I know we have in large part brought this on ourselves. Shame on us for letting the Pat Robertsons of the world be our cultural representatives. Shame on us for not producing films of worth that can portray our faith in more reasonable lights. Where are the filmmakers who will make a documentary about the many intelligent Christians out there? Or about the vast array of humanitarian causes that Christians are leading around the world? Or at least put into context some things shown in this film?

And yet part of me watches this film and feels solidarity with the Christians in it—sympathizing with the whole “raising up a generation” that will do more than their “fat and lazy” parents did. Part of me is riled up by the polemics of this film—it’s an attack on my religion, after all. I am almost inclined to join the culture wars myself and fight back … and yet I know that this is just what Jesus Camp wants. A war. In this way, the film is above all hypocritical. It chastens Christians for going the way of radical Muslims and brainwashing their young for a future on the battle lines of the cultural trenches; and yet the film is obviously meant to be nothing more than a rallying cry and wake up call for liberal America. How appropriately timed is this film, which was released first in the Midwest, just two months before a huge congressional election?

What we need is a better understanding of one another. The fear Hollywood has of Christians is founded on a basic ignorance of just what it means to be a Christian. And yet the stereotypes that are continually feeding the cycle do nothing to clear this up. Films like Jesus Camp do not promote a conversation or invite an exploration of Christianity. They promote terror and a culture of fear (Michael Moore style) that leaves secular America with one reasonable option: run for the hills; evangelical Christianity is the new jihad.

Band practice

So I just got back from (ok, I watched TV first) band practice at church.
I'm playing 3rd bass ^_^ and am loving it.
Its sooo nice to be able to play with other people and play at a decent volume.
I think I'm improving alot and its fun to try out new things, fingers are a bit sore tho, but I have concluded thats a good thing.
I love I also have the space to worship, funny thing, I found a while back that I can get more into worship when I'm playing guitar, sometimes I would stand in church and imagine I was playing along, and or some bizzare reason, I was able to connect more in the worship. (I never claimed to be normal you know). Playing bass gives me a more tangable way of doing that, while I love playing accoustic, bass is great for the time being.
What else? I oh, I love the fact I can sing along and no one can hear me. I'm not particularly gifted when it comes to the vocal side of things, but I would like to work on that. When I'm standing in my little corner, I don't feel the pressure of worrying about people hearing what I'm droning, so thats good.

I smell manly

I just changed much shirt and copped a smell of my armpit.
Man smell, goood.

I'm off to the shed to saw some wood.

Sparrows

I awoke from a dream. I was flying home. The wind wailed on my wings, and my strength was waning. And I knew where from rescue would come, but I scarcely called. Then the sun's rays fell upon me there. Raining, reigning...(and to the ground) a sobering descent. From the dust I'm sure my voice was heard on desolate heights, weeping (Jeremiah 3:21). Break up your fallow ground and do not sow among thorns (Jeremiah 4:3). You shall call me, "My Father", and not turn away from me (Jeremiah 3:19). As my Father has cared for me to this end (Matthew 10:29-31), how much more will He care for you?

the ass just stays kicked!

How do I post youtube videos again?
Well anyway, be a darlin' and go here will ya?
here
Its a very talented impressionist from frenzyboard

Ok, so I heard:

Fry (from futurama) performing 'get it started' by the black eyed peas'
Homer Simpson performing 'take me out' by Franz Ferdinand
Hank from (King of the Hill) performing 'Speed of sound' cold play
Dr Zoidburg (from futurama) doing a pussy cat dolls track
Comic book guy (from The Simpsons)

Lots more, you should check it out, no really you should

oh and...

scratching my ears is the NIIIIICEST feeling ever!
I could do it for hours, I look dumb when I do it tho, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I let out quiet little groans, but yes, Praise God, it is good!

Three things really

1. If you struggle to read the bible in the morning, (like someone I know) *cough*, biblegateway.com offer a read aloud version that you can listen to while you are getting dressed. Check out the verse of the day and play the whole chapter. GOOD STUFF.
2. Band practice kicked ass mucho cos it gave space to worship God and I haven't done that good and proper in a week or two.
3. Go to http://www.brother-sister.net, its the website of the new MeWithoutYou album and you can listen to some of their new stuff, and I absolutely LOVE IT!
   

The message being PC?

Ecclesiastes 7 v 28 (NIV)

while I was still searching
but not finding—
I found one upright man among a thousand,
but not one upright woman among them all.

Ecclesiastes 7 v 28 (MSG)

I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while.

Right...

To the tune of Chop Sui by SOAD

Wake up, we probably should talk a little, Jacob
Why? Because there's been a major shake up
Light the lamp they keep on the table
Yeah, you married me instead of Rachel
You want me to
Wear a veil and never put the shades up?
You want me to
Try to starve and find a way to shape up?
You want me to
Drive to Egypt get myself a facial?
You want me to?

Oh, I don't think you trust in my shelf-life as your new bride
I tried but Rachel's the perfect size!

Wake up, Labal, you're in trouble this is Jacob
Open the door or it'll break up
Why'd you give me Leah 'stead of Rachel
Yeah you know she ain't no Charlie's Angel
(You wanted to)
Even if she puts on lots of make-up
(Put fun into)
Leah's face could scare away your hiccups
(My honeymoon)
I've seen better faces on a bagel
(I'll punish you)

Why don't we discuss this nice?
Downsize your foolish pride
Why fight? I gave you the first in line
And I threw in a concubine
All right -- for Rachel just serve me twice

Father! Father! Father! Father!
Father it's to intense; I can't stand to hear it
Father you knew the plan -- Why did you give Jacob me?
In disguise so secretly? Is there no escape for me?
It's my heart you're breakin', please no!
Brushed aside -- Now I'm just doin' time
I cry while Jacob diversifies
Can't lie -- she's such a cutie pie
Why try -- when Rachel's the perfect bride

HAHAHA, Gotta love ApologetiX

I just got this email

hay guys

this is last nights church service from my church and a guy that was killed
in a car crash and went to heaven and came back from the dead spoke its an
awesome testimoney


http://www.livetsord.se//default.aspx?idStructure=173&mediaProduct=607&mediaCategory=52&FMInvalidatePageStaySession=1

love and prayers tom

don't let me fall - Kato

Listen to it here

stop me from thinking i wont make it
you know i don’t want to fake it to make it through
so hard to know if i can take it
strong enough so it wont break me
enough to keep holding on to you
don’t let me fall away from you

holding on is all i seem to do
stop me from thinking i’ve lost my patience

lost the thrill of waiting lost my heart to run
keep me believing we can ride it
the back of life we step inside it
we can ride the storm when it comes
the wave hits the beach again
and we stay standing tall

don’t let me fall away from you
holding on is all i seem to do

we both know that i could not live without you here
once you’ve tasted love you know the antidote is clear
there is no fear

--

Oh what a day what a day!
More later.

"A Chapter A Day"

INIQUITOUS SOLDIER-BUST
HE RIPPED THE PAPYRUS
HIS STYLE WAS RECKLESS
BURNT THE CAMP TO ASHES
RAP SHEETS LONGER THAN THE LOCH NESS
WHEN HIS MIND BUBBLED HOT HE SPRUNG HIS PLANS MATTRESS
EVIL WORDS FROM HIS MOUTH HIT THE HEART PIECE LIKE A GUNSHOT
ANY ATTEMPT AT RIGHTEOUSSNESS-HE JUST BLEW IT LIKE SNOT
HIS DEVELOPMENTS GOT ARRESTED
NOT REALIZING THAT BY GOD HE GOT TESTED
AND TEMPTED BY SATAN
HIS WAR WAS SPIRITUAL-LIKE VIETNAM OR SAIGON
LIFE WAS LOST-UNFOCUSED HIS ATTENTION FROM THE CROSS
THE CRUCIFIXION
HIS ADDICTION
NARCOTICS IN THE PROJECTS
CRIMES THAT LEAVE NO EVIDENCE
FORGET THE 6th COMMANDMENT
EVIL RADIUS-STUDY HEATHEN SCIENCE
BACK-STAB BUSINESS AND KILL THE WITNESSES
RESIST BENEVOLENCE WITH FLESHLY DEFENSES-HE WANTS TO BE THE PRESIDENT

THE PLAYED HIS GAMES LIKE SNAKES IN GRASSES
CLIMBED TREES LIKE ZACHEUS AND DROPPED WICKED VIRUSES
MY COMPANIONS TRIED TO BREAK IT UP LIKE GLASS
BUT HE LICKED A SHOT REAL HARD AND SPREAD OUT LIKE A RASH
YOUNG SOLDIERS GOT STUNG LIKE THE TAIL OF A SCORPION
GOOD MEN TURN LIKE ANIKIN-THEN HE BRINGS IT AGAIN
HE COPYRIGHTED HIS TACTICS LIKE A TEMPLATE
N-BRUSHED OUT HIS ENEMIES LIKE TOOTHBRUSH AND COLGATE---------
HOLD BACK THOSE STUMBLING TO THE SLAUGHTER
CAUSE WHEN I SAY CHAPTA I MEAN HOLY SCRIPTURE

(Chorus)
HE READ A CHAPTER A DAY
KEEPIN THE DEVILS AWAY
CORINTHIAN-BROUGHT FORTH A NEW PROPOSITION
WITH A CHAPTER A DAY
I SEEN HIM CHANGE HIS WAYS
HE READ A CHAPTER A DAY
JUST A CHAPTER A DAY

FORWARD JEHOVAH SOLDIER-EXCEL
STAGNATE THE OLD SHELL......
HE WENT FROM SLAVE TO SON
FOUR SEVEN GALATION
BOXED UP TIGHT RECEIVING VENTILATION
FORMER SELF GOT HIT
WITH HIGH POWER FROM GOD THRU HOLY SPIRIT,
MAN THE VEIL GOT RIPPED
HE TOOK A SIP, AND NOW HE STICK IT
TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE PATH, YAWHEH BROUGHT HIM BACK
INFESTATION GOT PEIRCED BY AN ARROW FROM GOD
AND GOT HEALED LIKE THEM PEOPLE THAT TOUCHED MOSES ROD
OVER WHELMED WITH THE SENSE OF HIS SPIRITUAL NEED
HE WAS LOOKIN FOR THINGS HE COULDN'T FIND IN WEED
TIRED OF DAMNATION
PORNOGRAPHIC STATIONS
SATANIC EQUATIONS, THAT EQUAL CALCULATIONS-OF RUCUS
HIS SOUL YEARNED FOR EXODUS
HIS ATHEIST WAS SWITCHED TO AN ESOPHOGUS
THAT SCREAMED 'JEHOVAH-AH-SHALOM'
HE TOOK HIS STUFF TO THE GRINDSTONE
HE WORE TOMMY HILFIGER
TOOK IT OFF AND COME WITH TOMMY HELL FIGHTER
CHURCH EDIFIER
YOU CAN COME AGAINST THE FATHER WITH CLENCHED FISTS
BUT GO AWAY PREACHING THE TRUTH LIKE JOHN THE BAPTIST

Oh my heavenly Dad

please help me to be loving. As you know, I was thinking the other day about how I act towards people I speak to on the phone. Everyone in my office knows I'm a Christian, and while I'm sure they know I'm not particularly mean to anyone, I know they see me put the phone down and grumble outloud when I'm annoyed. I don't want my human limitations get in the way of them seeing you in me, (and the fact I'm asking, let that be a sincere request, and if its not, make me sincere, and if I'm not sincere in asking to be sincere, make it so.)

Ben starts tomorrow, and to be honest, I don't know what you are doing in that, but if its only to find him a job, thank you. Will you bless this office because we are there? Please do. I want Steve, Paula, Sonia, Maria, Paul, Andy, Janet, Elieen, Alison and the other two new members of staff as well as the temps to know you are blessing them through us (and how much you do actually love them). Help us to be loving and good reflections of you. You know what I'm like, I get distracted so easily, please help me this month as you know its crucial to keeping my job. However, if you really don't want me there, help me to be open to what you are doing in my life. To be honest, I'm kinda scared about what I'll do if I don't get it. It seems I've lived life on the seat of my pants for the last 4 years and I just want to slow down for a while. Thats what I want. I dunno if thats what you want me to be doing, but that is what I want.

Dad, I need words. I want to communicate to you how I feel. Dad, I need words, I want to hear what you are saying. I need you to be here now.

This mess with Mel, I have no idea whats going on. Thankyou that you told Laura to tell me to be patient. Its been really hard not to say the things I wanted to. I know you made her see me on christmas day, and I don't think it was just for my benfit. It all just seems so fragile at the moment, and I just don't understand how we got here, well I can parts of it, but where are you taking us? Lord, for your son Joshua - father him. I mean, really Father him. I miss him, I miss them both. That sunday morning, when we were playing together, it felt so right, and I thought you were there being the fourth person in the room, so how did we get here?

Be with me as I sleep, thankyou for the quiet you have given me these past weeks. I want to meet with you there, I'm asking and inviting you to come and speak to me there too. I want to wake up thinking of you, seeking you and growing into someone that is more like you.

If there is any part of me that hasn't come before you with a heart of sincerity, destroy it.
Help me to mean it for then anything when I say I love you...good night. x

Scroll right

Are you asking yourself "what is the point of that?"
Yes?



So am I.

He does not forget me

[23:16] Him: i'll chat to you soon though mate
[23:16] Him: sleep well
[23:16] Me: ok mate
[23:16] Me: take care
[23:17] Him: what you doing on the net this late? you being good?
[23:17] Me: thanks mate
[23:17] Him: sorry to ask, just trying to help with stuff
[23:17] Me: I appriciate you asking
[23:17] Him: :S
[23:17] Him: really?
[23:17] Him: i feel awkward
[23:17] Me: yes I do
[23:17] Him: cool
[23:17] Him: that's cool then
[23:17] Me: I'm doing ok
[23:17] Him: (Y)
[23:17] Me: I find I come under attack most in my dreams
[23:18] Me: and so I'm praying that God will protect my dreams
[23:18] Me: and he has EVERY day i asked
[23:18] Him: sweet
[23:18] Him: that's cool dave

After what happened the other week, its cool when someone challenges you.
I almost forgot tho I had been praying before I went to sleep, its crazy how much it changes things. Even in all of this, God is good, he does not forget me.

Yay!

I'm buying a bass amp for £40!
Wooo!

I'm dissatisfied

[21:38] Her: il just spend my night shopping on the internet!!
[21:38] Me: I think
[21:38] Me: I'll go make myself some tea
[21:38] Her: good idea
[21:38] Me: I've only had an egg salad sandwich all day
[21:38] Her: you dilly!!
[21:38] Her: you'll waste away
[21:39] Me: its kinda weird
[21:39] Me: councilor types would say its a form of self harm
[21:39] Me: but I kinda like forcing my body to do what I feel like doing
[21:40] Me: rather than what it wants
[21:40] Me: I have no plans to slim
[21:40] Me: or
[21:40] Me: stave myself
[21:40] Me: cos I'm hungry
[21:40] Me: but I'll eat when I choose to
[21:40] Me: not when my appitie says
[21:40] Me: so
[21:41] Her: yeh that is weird. . .if my body wants food it gets food. . . . . . . c im different my body chooses when i eat
[21:41] Me: hehe
[21:41] Her: :P
[21:41] Her: go eat food
[21:42] Me: yeah I will do
[21:42] Me: I dunno
[21:42] Me: its kinda like this
[21:42] Me: I want to be in control
[21:42] Me: over mind and body
[21:43] Her: why?
[21:43] Me: because
[21:43] Me: I'm stupid, I make so many mistakes
[21:43] Me: bad decisions
[21:43] Me: everything
[21:43] Her: join the club
[21:43] Me: I want to be more disclipined
[21:44] Me: in how I live
[21:44] Me: I'm sick of my halfarse living
[21:44] Her: yeh but the answer isnt controlling when to eat is it?
[21:44] Me: no
[21:44] Me: its not
[21:44] Me: its just a random thing I'm doing today
[21:45] Me: like when I run
[21:45] Me: I will run until I say stop
[21:45] Me: not when my body gives up
[21:45] Me: if i do weights
[21:45] Me: I will keep going until I am happy
[21:45] Me: not when my girl like arms fail
[21:45] Her: he he really?
[21:46] Me: yeah
[21:46] Me: its hard
[21:46] Me: if I'm being honest with someone
[21:46] Me: I want to be completely transparent
[21:46] Me: to the point where it hurts
[21:47] Me: I want to be hot or cold not just boring and lukewarm
[21:47] Her: so basically you want verything to the extreme
[21:47] Me: no
[21:47] Me: maybe not
[21:48] Me: I just don't want to keep living life how it is now
[21:48] Me: I want more
[21:49] Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToVQMCBgmAc

(I was gonna go on to link this to my faith and less half arseness, but the conversation changed)

An article I read on Relevantmagazine.com

Rudely Awoken

PJ Savage

I am a very private person. I just had a disagreement (we have to call it a disagreement because an argument is not something that newlyweds do) with my wife, Megan, because of how private I am. Yep, we just had a disagreement about fantasy football. I just had the dumbest disagreement with my wife over fantasy football, because I am a private person.

It all started with a phone call.

My friend Jason woke me up at 9:40 a.m. with questions about a fantasy football league I had set up for a bunch of guys that work/volunteer in youth ministry at our church. No big deal, right? Well it wasn’t a big deal, that is until my wife asked me what time I got up today. Megan and I were having our usual “good night” phone conversation (when I work nights), and she asked me what time I got up today. I replied that I was rudely awoken by Jason. She then asked what he called about. Mistake number one was answering her question with, “Stuff.”

She, of course, asked, “What stuff?”

Mistake number two was again replying with, “Stuff.”

Very rarely do I keep secrets from my wife. In fact, I can’t even think of one time that I intentionally did it. There is no need. However, I do have a nasty habit of deciding for her what is and is not important to talk about. The reason that I answered her questions the way I did was because I did not feel the need or the importance to inform her of Jason’s mid-morning fantasy football call. Then, when she persisted, I wanted to not tell her even more.

The weird thing is that I have nothing to be private about. I have nothing to hide. But, if I feel that something is not important, I will protect that feeling with all of my being. Even to the point where I have Megan completely annoyed with me.

I am a private person. I do not openly discuss things unless I feel that they warrant discussion. Megan will come home from work and chatter away with very little provocation. Although, when she asks me about my day I am very content with one-word answers. I guess I am not that big on small talk. If I don’t have anything to say, I am not going to dribble on just to hear myself talk or make people around me feel comfortable because the silence was getting to them.

But why was it so hard to answer Megan’s question with, “fantasy football,” rather than, “stuff?” Maybe it was because I thought it was none of her business. I felt a little annoyed that she asked. What does it matter to her what Jason and I spoke about? It’s not like I was talking to another woman.

Paul writes in his letter to Ephesus instructing them to, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold”(Eph. 4:26-27, TNIV). It is amazing that in those two seconds that it took Megan to ask me what Jason called about, the devil filled my head with various thoughts that led me down the same path—wondering why the heck she was prying into my business. What right of hers was it to want to know what Jason called me about?

You know what? She does have that right. You know why, because she is my wife. We are one, and I need to start recognizing that. When I said, “I do,” I gave up the right to secrets. When I said, “I do,” I voluntarily accepted the opportunity to be intimate with someone that I love very much. Intimacy has very little to do with sex, and everything to do with emotion.

While I was finishing that last thought, the metaphor of Jesus and the Church as a marriage totally became concrete for me. When I said, “I do,” to God I was accepting His invitation to be completely intimate with Him.

All of this strife and enlightenment because I didn’t want to tell my wife about a conversation that I had about fantasy football, God bless ESPN!

Shoot, that playa got style

Throw dice

"I see brothers throw dice/
and not act so nice when they're not winning/
and you should see the way they treat women/

I attack the block by block/
Take my street back/
But its hard to roll a boulder up a hill so/

Hand over hand I sharpen my skill/
And step by step I know that one day I will/
See the getto made into heaven after armageddon/
but for now we hold weapons/

Cuz there ain't not peace in the street/
Where mothers gotta steal for kids to eat/
And most fathers feel they gotta kill to compete/

You hear the Hiphop block partying with the gun shot/
Cuz real bangers use fear and guns to get props/"

Father Locust aka DIRT is back.
This is real Christian HipHop.

Its gotta be the hardest thing to hear

"I don't trust you anymore if I'm honest"
"I've got alot of stuff going on at the moment...I don't want to tell you about it so please don't ask"

It hurts more when you realise you brought it on yourself.

Funny thing, literally moments before I heard that Ben(volio) texted me and said:

"Hey dude, hate to use a cliche, but I just felt God say to trust him in this. Leave it in his capable hands and don't loose sight of Him in this...Even if it does get frustrating and difficult. La and Me'll be praying"

I walked home watching lightning infront of me quietly filling the sky, prayed some and then comtemplated bass lines.

Life really is a journey at the moment, work is going well, faith...no thats not the word - commitment, well thats not going so great. Am reading that Adrian Plass book and that is very good, stuff with Mel, well, I haven't written about her in a while because to be honest I don't really know (kinda embarrising really considering all I have written before).

Things I have learnt though, Benvolio, (yes that arrogant annoying one we all love in person and hate online), is growing so much. I mean in his faith, commitment to God & Laura and very much so in wisdom. We were talking on the sofa the other night and I think I caught a glimpse of the man he is growing into. I wish you could have seen it, you would have been caught off guard.

Honesty to the point of ouchness

You know, I was very close to deleting some of my posts a moment ago but I haven't.
I think alot of people have got me wrong over the years, some people think I'm really up myself, taking the holier than thou approach to people, that I look down on others for not sharing the same ideas as myself, that I am pretty much up my own arse to be honest.

With this blog I prefer to try and bare all, the result of this is that people see the parts of me I sometimes wish they didn't. Is it just to grab attention? Am I really so desperate to have people take interest in my life that I post stuff I know people will be nosey enough to read? No.
I post like I do because I want people to see the journey I'm on, the fact I have great months and stupid days. Its a funny read looking at what I have written, its snap shots of the highs and lows I have been through, and (again) to be perfectly honest, it can be calculated and will easily fit with how I'm walking with God.

I'm a stupid and flawed individual, I make the same mistakes, deeply offend the ones I love, and get it wrong over and over again. But in this, while my face is cooling down and the redness is going, I'm crawling back to God, (who I might add), I found out the other day, has been my real Dad all along and I just didn't know it.

X3watch - monthly accountability report.

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I have a confession

I found out a week or so ago that I forgot to install x3 watch on my new pc.
I didn't use that time constructively.
I also took this blogger account off the accounablity partner list on saturday for the afternoon.
Again I messed up.

I have it installed again, I have space for one other email address to get the bi monthly email saying where I have been. If you would like that to be you, speak to me on msn - bigpileoffunk@hotmail.com (which I might point out is not my actual email address).

I wanted to be honest with you.
If you could pray for me that would be good. (it was all going so well)

Today

• I found out that Steve Irwin is dead.
• I realised that this month is going to be completely and utterly pointless.
• I witnessed a 16 year old girl called Vicky being slapped about in the street by a guy who looked in his late 20's...and did nothing, what would Jesus have done...more closer to home, what would you have done?
  
• I found an anti homeserve emergency services blog network who left a message on one of my old posts, (uncase you are reading this now, don't contact me, I want nothing to do with you.)
  

and I heard these words, and craved for someone to sing the chorus over me:

There’s a darkness in my skin
My cover’s wearing thin, I believe
I’d love to start again, go back to innocent
And never leave

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found
There’s nothing wrong with me
It’s just that I believe things could get better
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I think it’s just enough to believe

Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming

And there’s nothing wrong with you
And nothing left to do
But believe something bigger
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I know it’s just enough to believe

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We will be found
Rescue is coming now

To husbands and soon to be's

What would you do if someone attacked your wife/soon to be person?
Mel and I have been talking about it recently and I'm just wondering what your response would be.
Do you defend her and make sure she is safe?
Defend and fight back?
Go for it tooth and nail?

I would say the first option is the minimum, just making sure she is out of harms way.
Option 2 I would say is defending and disabling the attacker.
And 3, well, they laid a finger on your wife, they get what they deserve.

What is the 'christian' response?
We are called to be men, not cowards, fight for them, but where do you draw the line?

A 'pastor' of a church in norwich once said about someone I know that she is "used goods", now, even just typing that makes my blood boil and I can think of many a cuss word that I could use to discribe that 'pastor'. I mean didn't this guy ever read that verse about how "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God?" Did he never read the words 'grace' and 'mercy'...maybe he did but completely missed the point.

I was thinking about what if I went up to the leader of my church (Ian Savory) and started disrespecting his wife or daughter? One guy I know (a solid solid man of God) has said to me many times before, he can take most things, but if anyone laid a finger on his family, that person wouldn't just have a broken finger.
I like that about him, his loves his family so passionatly that he will (and I have no doubt about this) fight for them, he would lay down his life for them.

Going back to this 'pastor', if he said this about my friend's daughter, he would most definatly be up against the wall quicker than you can say 'awesome', so why does he feel saying that about one of GOD'S daughters that its acceptable? I mean, thats one of God's children, if my friend is protective over his children, how much more is God?

Ah, it just makes me so ANGRY, how do you respond? How do you be christlike when you just want to knock someone out??

So yeah, answers on a postcard.

Blogger Beta

Don't upgrade yet, it looks horrible and hasn't really got anything worth changing for.

If you act silly, you will look like a willy...like me

Yesterday I was in CLC and I bought a book by Adrian Plass called:

Jesus
Safe
Tender
Extreme

I went back to the office and read some of it, I then bought it home.
Before I went to be I read about a sentence before passing out.
Today Sonia picked me up and saw I had a book and said "Oh, you've got a book, what is it?"
not being bothered to explain I just said "Oh, nothing you would like", she laughed and I walked to the office.
During the day I read some more and gave another half arsed comment about it.

Then, (now heres where it all gets a bit silly) we are in the car driving home and I purposefully turn the book over and place it on my lap (covering it with my hand), we pick up another guy to take home and then set off. During the journey Sonia says "so whats that book anyway!?" and grabs it, "OH... (between splutters if laughter) its one of those books! And you covered it up so I wouldn't see it! (she laughs some more...I didn't look in the mirror to see the other guy's expression)

I felt stupid, why wasn't I honest? why was I ashamed? I feel poop (not just cos of this)

Oh the (make believe) guilt

While using one of the trains in Berlin I saw a bag unattended, it was our stop and we left. As we were talking away I thought about the terrorist threat that was on the front page of the German news papers over the weekend, my mind wondered and I thought about how I (or someone else) would feel if I (they) later found out it had turned out to be a bomb. Obviously, this didn't happen, but my brain rambled and I wrote it down. I would be a terrible thing to know you could have done something but didn't. How would someone even start to get over that sort of guilt?
Its horrible to read (I mean, its poorly written), but its what came to my mind, and I'm trying to write my initial thoughts as I feel editing and re-editing loses something.


I took many men and many women
Uncles, aunties and many cousins
I've got the blood of them all
Hands stained with my sin
Silent lipped, words mute instead of talking.

But how was l to know that the breath of death would blow?
Think l would sacrifice innocents just to destroy my greatest foe?
Its not the man l am or the man l choose to be,
it like STOP. REWIND. PLAY every minute every day
l'm a cursed man, an abomination,
l pray to the God in heaven but still l'm not free

So please draw near l fear my words you will not take
l'm sincere l swear please don't mark me with my mistake
A victim of circumstance
A bloody mess of circumstance
not planned like the steps of some sort of satanic worship dance.

How the hell did l end up in this place?
l fell obviously at blistering speed so far from grace
I wish l could forget their names
I wish l could forget their faces
I wish people would stop leaving these poision filled cases.

Some people I know

Every conversation is a opportunity
And every opportunity is used for a beat down.
So push yourself to the top,
up and above me (if it makes you feel any better).
You see, I don't feel I have anything to prove
I push to speak with kindness, truth and a joyful heart
and I try to be open to those times when l'm wrong.
So please, rid yourself of those hairs infinitely split
and know that when you are comfortable in yourself,
you can come back and I'll still be here.

I'm in Berlin

So here I am in Berlin, am loving it, such a beautiful city.
I'm taking lots of photos on my phone and I will upload them when I get home on tuesday.
Could you pray for Mel please, I got a really worrying text from her this evening, its not appropriate to talk about it on here but I'm fearing for her safety.
It reallz sucks to be stuck here when I know she needs me home to be with her, so yeah, pray, thanks.

Woooo!

I got a new pc the other day...AND IT CAN RUN GOLDEN EYE!!!

powered by performancing firefox

Woohooo!

Yes, its time for another blog entry from work via the wonders of email!
I just got a call from the customer who's husband was undergoing heart surgery, he is ok!!
She sounded A LOT happier than the last time I spoke to her, (understandable really) but please continue to pray for them both.

Thanks!

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my my...

what a difference a day makes .
"Don't worry about today, there are 364 others that could be brilliant."

Today isn't what I imagined it to be

Switchfoot did a song called 'Let that be enough', Jon Foreman wrote it the day before he turned 22 and for years now I thought it would sum me up today. But it doesn't, it doesn't even come close.

Let that be enough
Switchfoot - New Way to Be Human (1997)

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing

chorus:
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah who am I just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

But today isn't like that, I don't know what the future holds, but right now I have Mel and I'm so incredibly happy. I do have plans, I want to study counciling, but am happy at the moment staying in the job I have. I'm positive, God really has been meeting with me at church, I want to know him more and I am finding my peace of mind in him (and he is definatly doing the chorus!) I know who I am, where I've come from, the mistakes I've made before and how to not do them again, I'm not going to let history repeat, I'm refusing to let myself screw things up.

This time last year I was going life coaching (it seems so long ago now) and I identfied various areas in my life I wanted to change, they were:

• Accomodation - I wanted to move out
• Financial - I wanted to get a secure job that paid well
  
• Maturity - I just needed to get out of my comfort zone and grow up!
• Faith - I wasn't in a good place with God at all
• Relationships - I felt so alone

Its strange how things have panned out, it seemed I moved out on a whim but that seems to have turned out really well. Hanging out with my mum is alot more enjoyable and we can talk on a deeper level now, we would still be getting on each others nerves if I was still at home.

The job I'm in right now makes me very happy and I'm really enjoying it, whether I get to keep it remains to be seen, but right now I'm trying to focus on at least knowing I have ended my probation period doing the best I can. If I don't get the job, I don't want leave with regrets thinking like "if only I did this better", thats not gonna help anything.

I think the combination of moving out, getting a job in the secular world and being virtually self reliant has been a good thing for me. Becoming more aware of the people around me and how I interact with them is something I feel I'm inproving on...its all a continual process of growth and learning really.

After finishing with NYFC I was pretty much burnt out, not cos I was over worked or anything, (after all I did only do 12 hours per week), but because I was working on my own momentum and not relying on God. I pretty much stopped reading my bible, only prayed during the team prayers and when I got in a jam, went along to church because I was expected to.

Christmas eve just gone I told God "if it wasn't for the people around me and what they would say, I would have turned my back on you ages ago." I told him to leave and that I wanted nothing more to do with him. Come Christmas morning I work up and for the first time in my life I felt this weight come off my shoulders. I could do whatever I wanted not worrying about any consequences of my sin and how that would effect my so call christian walk. So much freedom, but this incredible emptiness was left. I felt completely and utterly alone. Sure, I had friends and family around me, but God was gone. Like the perfect gentleman, I ordered him to leave...and he left.

For the next week I found myself being able to do whatever I wanted, but the thing is, who wants to be able to everything when you are doing it alone? After the Christmas day service I bumped into Mel (and didn't actually have a clue who she was...even tho we had hung out a few times before), I had a face like a slapped arse and she asked me what was up. We arranged to meet and the pub and we talked and talked. I think we met at about 6:30 and I ended up leaving her house at about 2am. But in that time we talked about everything, I spilled it all and in that muddle of my life spread out across the pub table next to my pint of diet coke (no lemon) there I found my faith again. I remembered why I became a Christian in the first place, it was because I knew I couldn't deal with this life alone, I knew that by myself I would ruin it all and it was only God who offered the answers to my questions.

Fast forward to the 24/7 prayer week and I was a totally different person, I still struggled alot with somethings, but here I was given space to be with God alone for an hour a day. No distractions, no noise restrictions, it was perfect. Things changed that week and I kinda wish I was able to go to the 24/7 prayer room daily, but its all been about growth, and as I said to my friend Hannah a moment ago, I think my relationship with God is starting to bloom.

Finally,
through out all of this, Mel has been there as my rock. Giving advice, challenging and encouraging me, giving me a kick up the arse when I needed it. She's help me discover alot about myself and grow in my faith while also listening and learning from what I have to say. We don't always agree and I love that. I don't want to be with someone who is always in agreement with Me and I also don't want to be with someone who is so sure of their own ideas that they refuse to listen to others. Its iron sharpening iron and I love it. She is carefree not careless, she steers away from gossiping and bitching about people, she is confrontational but caring, strong in who she is but follows God. She is a woman after my own heart, she is all I want "she's my best friend and more" (Ben Folds) and so we're seeking God in this. We're looking for his direction, whether this is right or not and what to do if it is/isn't. It could all go wrong, we could both get very hurt, its a risk we are both taking, but I'm glad we are, cos just chickening out and not knowing isn't a option.

So thats me, today I'm 22.

Guess what I did on my birthday

At 2am this morning I walked Mel home, as we arrived, a pain that had been building up since we left mine kinda peaked, I think I've twisted my testicles or something, eitherway, I'm likely to be spending my 22nd birthday in A&E or the doctors. Go ME!

I might add, the fact this happened and Mel was round my house is totally UNRELATED, we spend the evening sat on the sofa talking, then I would fall asleep, start snoring and Mel would wake me up.

I'm gonna laugh when this is all over, if anyone wants to pray for me (laying on of hands is not appropriate) please do so.

Thankyou and goodnight.

...

Oh wait, might as well update what is going on in life.

• Mel is now my wonderful girlfriend, I would post a picture but she won't like me take one of her.
• I'm really enjoying church and am kinda gutted its going down to one service per week for the summer.
  
• As I hobbled back from Mel's house I stood in some vomit.
• I'm learning the piano and can play 'what a friend I've found' thanks to Laura (piano teacher a la bruise)
• I cycled in some doggy poop lastnight and wondered why this nasty smell was following me everywhere.
• My boss said to me "oh, didn't anyone tell you? Its your last day today..." when my mini heart attack was over I realised it was maybe a good sign, cos who would joke about sacking someone just before their probabtion period was over!?
• Mel and I are taking Joshua (her 2 year old son) to see some clowns and story telling people in the city tomorrow, thats on the condition I'm still up and about, as I write this the pain is kinda easing away.
• I hope my mum (Parental unit 1) hasn't read this cos I haven't told her yet that Mel and I are together, should be interesting. :D
• Mel and I have been discussing, (I say discussing, I mean talking to death), two things recently: "Can you lose your salvation?" and "Should women be allowed to speak in church." Its made me realise how much I really don't know my bible and I'm finding it kinda shocking that I ever worked for YFC with such a lacking in knowlege. Mel was saying that you should repent for everything and if you don't you're sinning and therefore losing your salvation. Now, that founds completely nuts to me, the idea that I could lose and gain my salvation numerous amounts of times in one day seems silly. Its leaving too much to chance. Anyone care to post verses to look at? I don't mean answers, just placed where I can find out for myself.
  

Erm, can't be bothered to post more at this point in time, I want to sleep so this pain will go away and the morning will come quicker (my new pc is hopefully be delivered).
One thing tho, I wondered if Jorge (parental unit 2) will make any contact in the morning? Much as I'm really not up for talking to him, him making an effort would be nice...but probably too much to expect.

Big smiles everyone! Go grab today by the nuts! (or just anyone's but mine)

Its been a interesting two weeks

Well the first thing that stands out for me is that I broke a bone, ok ok it was my little toe, but it still hurt! I manage to catch it on my lace and bend it sideways!

And to be honest, thats all I can remember! I started writing this entry a couple of days ago and now I can't for the life of me remember what I was gonna say. Oh well.

Its been kinda interesting at work, monday marks the end of the second month in my three month probation and to be honest I'm kinda worried. I am currently working in the credit control department of Homeserve Emergency Services, basically I collect debt from insurance companies. Our monthly targets are 70% and as of friday I was at 48%, the thing it, I had a LONG list of payment that were raised at the begining of the month and were due to be paid at the end, now I don't know if that 48% was including those payments or not. If they're not, I'm kinda stuffed, if they are, well, I will be over the moon!

I'll find out on monday morning. The thing is, I am really enjoying this job, I never thought I could deal with working in an office enviroment, I thought I would fine the shirt and tie thing really restrictive, I thought I would be bored out of my mind, but I actually really enjoy this. The people I work with are REALLY nice, the management are dynamic and the company as a whole are going places. I want to be apart of this. I crave the security this job offers of regular hours, decent pay, room for growth...I just have this sinking feeling at the moment I'm going to lose it all.

What am I saying? God gave me this job, either he wants me in it or he has something else planned, I'm trying not to worry, I just want to feel safe in my employment. I want to be able to plan my time, increase my finances, not worry about this but look to the future.

God, its yours, help me to stop worrying.

X3watch - monthly accountability report.

Greetings.

You are receiving this email from Dave who has signed up for X3Watch, a free Internet accountability service from XXXChurch.com, and has identified you as their accountability partner.

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Be my accountablity partner

So, I'm really trying to further myself in being completely honest with people, kinda baring all so people don't misunderstand who I am.
I think sometimes people view me as someone who thinks I have it all sorted out, that I have a holier than thou view on people, or worse still, think I'm oblivious to my failing and short comings.

So heres the deal, I have X3Watch installed on my pc, it logs the websites I go on and if I go on any websites that are unhealthy for me, an email is sent to my accountablity partner telling them about it. In reading this you have just become my new accountablity partner, appearing on my blog will start to appear a run down of any sites that I have been on that aren't good, if you spot any, ask me why I have been on them. Post a comment making me explain why I have been on that website.

Also, I challenge you to do the same, if we aren't accountable for our actions to someone, how can we expect to grow?

The last 48 hours

When I wrote 'This morning at church' a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think for a moment I would actually be writting about what I experienced yesterday at church.

I'm in two minds on if I actually want to write about it here. Either way, something happened yesterday that I didn't expect (apart from being completely heart broken), through my floods of tears I felt an arm around me and a hand on my head. I thought it was Chris only to see the shoes this person was wearing. It was the friend I had fallen out with last summer (more info here). I couldn't speak, my heart was overflowing with grief and he continued praying for me.

After what seemed forever, we hugged, I said "I'm sorry" and we talked briefly what had happened in our lives over the last year. Still not knowing what to say or how to act, I invited him over for lunch, it ended up Chris, Dave, Him and I eating burgers in my house.

Right now I still have no idea what to say, there is still alot of stuff I need to get clear in my head, not just with my Dad (who, yet again, has been the cause of my dispair), but also with this old friend. I dunno.

Work was kinda interesting this morning, I almost burst into tears within about 5 minutes of arriving.

My heart was consumed with was happened yesterday, however, I cast my mind back to yesterday evening...and I couldn't help but smile. I spent it with the person I wrote this about, we talked, shared, laughed and hugged. Just thinking about her changes everything. I didn't want to be anywhere else.

Funny thing though, we talk about how she was taller than me, and how she found that to be an issue when we first met (issue is too much of a strong word, lets just say she liked taller men), I never went for girls taller than me. I joked that if we ever did get together, she would get back problems from hugging me.
I do wonder where this is all going with her, but she is so lovely and so worth fighting for.

Prayer request

I just got off the phone to a customer who I had written to regarding something (which obviously I won't share on here), however, she was kinda upset as her husband is currently in the operating theatre having open heart surgery.

She is very worried, so if you are reading this, please pray that God's peace will fall on her.

Thanks!

An accident, I'm sure

...but she, she deserved that hit, I mean that accidental slip, that caused the split of the lip.
I said to her: "because honey, this is my house and we abide by my rules (unless I choose to change them), I'm an honest man, I work hard, I provide the bread & I will not tolerate nor even contemplate standing for your foolishness."

Watching one half of a recently separated couple at the train station

I would give you a hug if I thought it would help.
You're walking alone, so so broken.
I'm sorry.

yeah yeah

Cos I'm an already but yet resurrected fallen man, come break this limbo
And I know you know just who I've been. Come define me.
What can we do if the rumours are true?
Rumour has it you love me
Rumour had it the world spins upside down
Rumour has it you're my only hope...and the rumours are true.
I turn everything over.

'Switchfoot - I turn everything over'

This big adventure

I want you to be a part of this big adventure
I'll be your shield if you'll be my crown
And I'll carry you on my back if ever you feel down
You are more lovely than you let yourself believe
And believe me, you are worth fighting for.
So sing these words of a new song
Hand in hand before our God
Lets not stop these sofa talks
But lets also move to new ground
Make me laugh, make me smile,
lets stop and think for a while
Lets read the word together
Lets eat the word together
Infact lets live the word together
You and me, in this big adventure.

"The Devil has been around a long time...and he doesn't play fair."

"The Devil has been around a long time...and he doesn't play fair." - Danny Doran-Smith

So, I'm sitting there in meeting about reality and I wrote this down:

I just felt the devil attack.
Danny said how he mentors Pete, Danny is a great man of God, I felt a wave of jealously come upon me. I felt resentment for Pete. I wished l was mentored by Danny, to me it said that Pete was chosen because of his qualities & that his were better than mine.
But bless Pete God!
Thankyou that you have put them together!
Bless that relationship that he will grow more in you.
And for me, help me focus on my relationship with you, don't let me compare myself with anyone else because to be honest, its how l connect with you, not how others connect and how that measures against my spritual life.

And then:

Danny was talking about how some of the people in the prayer teams would be put with more experienced people, this got me thinking "I wonder if I will be a leader" (that was my ego kicking in again) Then l felt the Devil tell me that l was worthless, that l'm in experienced that l'm not up to being the leader, but l am. (Whether I want to be or not is another thing tho! haha!) I'm not being arrogant but l have been doing stuff like this for 5 years, l do have the knowlege, l do have the experience, and l can do all things through christ who give me strength!!
So suck on that Devil.

God the Father, me the Child

I haven't posted much recently manly cos I had nothing to write about, the reason I had nothing to write about was that I stopped reading my bible and praying again. (I never learn, it was only two or three weeks ago I was saying how much of a difference the 24/7 prayer room had made on my life and now I'm finding myself not spending enough time with God. I'm stupid I really am.)

Anyway, alot of things have been going on, firstly, I have been reading 'Wild at Heart' which has been an odd experience, I'm about three quarters through and pretty much every day for the last week or two (I read it on my lunch breaks) John (the writter) has said something that was slap bang relevant to me.

It really hurts sometimes, cos it cuts straight to the bone and God is speaking loud and clear on somethings. The one that springs to mind the most is forgiving your father. Now, my brothers (I have three) quite often point out to me that I'm a hipocrite, I claim to be a christian, but I don't talk to my Dad. "I've cried many times and I've sighed many times, I talk the talk without the walk you can hear it in my rhymes" Thats a quote from a track called Candle by Dirt & Nazir and it totally sums me up quite alot of the time. They look at me me and all they see is the times that I screw up, I sometimes I could make them understand I'm not blind to my faults, I'm not so arrogant that I ingnore argh, I wish I could explain what I mean more, maybe I need to go and sleep.

The gist of it is this, I feel I can't forgive my Dad for the things he has done and they way he has hurt me when he won't even achknowlege what he has done, time after time I have said "get away from me, I've had enough, I can't deal with with" time after time I have started over again and time after time he has hurt me again. It doesn't make sense to put myself in a place where I know I will get hurt does it? And I know it will happen! One of my brothers has said to me alot of times "Dad is idiot and he does talk crap but you kinda have to just say 'yeah, whatever Dad' and ingnore him" I don't want a Dad like that, I think the reason I did so much agency work was the fact I was in a really strong male enviroment, where I learnt what 'real' men where meant to be like, listening to them I learnt about having children, being married, working hard, now I admit, it wasn't idea, but I learnt alot more from a three week period being a bin man than I ever did from my own Dad. Why would someone want to hang out with someone when their traits, values and attitudes towards life is completely opposite to their own? Why put yourself in that place when you know it won't be healthy for you? I can't see any traits in my Dad that hope to inhert or pass on to my children. Do you phone someone you don't like to see how they are? no. You are polite, but you don't go out of your way to meet with them, its like that with my dad.

"now you must understand: Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will. as neil Anderson has written, "don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving, you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowlege that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father. This is not saying: "it didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says "it was wrong, it mattered and I release you."
And then we ask God to father us, and tell us our true name." But how does that work if your father never accepts blame. I've had my brother try and pass me the phone saying "Dad wants to speak to you, he is crying" And in my head I'm thinking "good, now you know what its like to to really hurt. " But if he did actually hurt, why doesn't he act on it!? What a fool! (what a fool I am, I just said "if he did actually hurt, why doesn't he act on it" why don't I act on it? I suppose my reasoning is that I don't feel I should have to, I was hurt first, I am still the child, why do I have to lead by example? And I have done already by saysing "I forgive you" and welcoming him back so many times before one to have him hurt me again.

I was saying earlier how I don't want to have his traits but I have been told how if he would fall out with someone he would just write them off and ingnore them. I'm doing this at the moment, last summer my best friend (at the time) and I fell out over something, I still to this day have no idea (regardless of what he actually thinks!) what it was all about. I can remember saying, "whatever it is, tell me and I won't do it again, I don't want to upset you" and I didn't really get an answer, all I know is that when we prayed for each other he said something that will always stick with me "Father God, Dave says he's sorry and I pray that he is". It was kinda like a slap in the face, we made up and then quite clearly in one second it was all broken again. I don't speak to him much any more, I won't approach him unless he is with my other friends and conversation is kept to
"alright mate?"
"yeah I'm good thanks, you?"
"yeah I'm good"
"Cool."

With both of these people I have no urge to forgive either as (and please excuse me if I sound all hard done by here) but I feel the victim in this.

The thing is, God has been saying, LOADS that I need to get this sorted. I just don't want to make the first move, I ALWAYS make the first move, I am always the one who doesn't like conflict and will try my best to sort something out, but in these two cases, I can't do it, I've tried, but I can't do it.

Anyway, back to what I was gonna say at the begining of all this ramble, I was reading Isaiah Ch 45 and at the begining it says this "I have taken hold of your right hand...As I lead you, I will level mountains and break the iron bars on bronze gates of cities. I will give you treasures hidden in dark and secret places. Then you will know that I, the LORD God of Israel, have called you by name."

I picture it it like this: I've kicked my football into a load of stinging nettles and my Father (note: I didn't say dad) lead me through those nettles to my ball. He is crushing the nettles and making a path for me, sometimes he is taking me on his shoulders and carrying me, but in all this, he is leading me by the hand. Hand in hand, mine in his, we are going to places I never thought I could go, and I'm going there confidently cos I'm with my father and nothing scares hims, he is strong, he is powerful, he is brave, he is honest and true. I look up at his shoulders , he turns around and looks me in the eye, and all I want and all I want to be there there.

This isn't my dad, this is my father. I was encouraged this morning, and I asked God to lead me.
Got alot more to say, but I'll leave it for tomorrow.

Jen is not Jenny Key

Me: jenny jenny jen jen
Me: hello!!
Her: hey.
Her: i uh, forgot who this is.
Her: you have no idea who trhis is
Her: skam?
Me:nope
Me:Dave Garcia
Me:(which could be that same thing)
Her: dave garcia?
Her: from where?
Me: ouch
Me: that hurts
Her:sorry.
Me:Jenny
Me:oooo
Me:different Jenny!
Me:I was about to say something
Her:are you from england?
Me:that i would later regret (I was about to say: "I kissed you in the basement of letton hall when I was 10 and you were 12...a moment I will never forget!!!" So glad I didn't!!!)
Me:lol
Me:Yeah
Her:ahhhh
Me:how are you anyway
Me:?
Her:you went to cornerstone, right?
Me:yup
Her:ok. i remember you now
Her:do yo know who I am?
Me:Yeah
Me:ermm
Me:i do know
Me:honest
Her:rudy
Me:Ooohh
Me:hey
Me:ah
Me:I suck with names and faces
Me:and msn just doesn't help
Her:it's cool
Me:You ok?
Her:oh, I'm great
Her:it's forth of july
Her:I'm getting trashed later. and going to shoot off fireworks
Me:Yeah, kinda wishing i was at C stone again
Me:or at least somewhere state side